Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Vicktor: The Brat, The Pessimist, The Jerk & The World Changer
Vicktor: The Brat
I know that this may come as a shock to some of you, maybe not all of you, but some of you, but I can be a brat. I mean like a big time brat. Oh I don't go around snatching things out of people's hands and yelling "MINE" (I used to do that with an old boyfriend, but I grew out of that phase) but I do tend to be very stubborn about certain things. To the point where I will dig my heels in about something and then forget why I dug my heels in but won't pull my feet out.
Case in point:
I have a friend, a really good friend, someone who has helped me get through a lot, whom I barely even talk to anymore. Why? I felt like they weren't appreciating me. Not because they were (maybe) or not because they were doing it on purpose, but because I felt like the bulk of our relationship was all about me doing for them. Always making sure that they were happy, never letting any of the bad shit of my life touch them, complimenting them all the time, offering support, but when it came time for them to return the favor they always had an excuse. Was I justified in feeling unappreciated? Probably. But weeks have gone by and my silence or rather my pulling back in the relationship has brought no change at all and I doubt that my friend even realizes what's going on.
I'm being a brat. I know this. "You're not my friend anymore because you always want me to come to your house but you never come to mine."
I'm 28 years old, much too old to take that kind of stance and yet I do, I did, and I've talked about it with Brandi and I was shocked by her response.
"Vic, this is just like the other relationship we talked about. You deserve to have someone be there for you just like you're there for them. A relationship is often lop-sided, but it shouldn't be to the point where you're doing all of the giving and none of the receiving. You're not wrong to feel the way that you do. You do need to understand that people can't change if you don't let them know that they need to change, but you're justified in feeling that they need to."
So, I have to not be a brat when it comes to my friends and family members, let them know when they do something that hurts, offends or angers me so that they know not to do it again. Then I have to pull on my Big Boy pants and not sulk about the whole thing.
Vicktor: The Pessimist
I am usually very optimistic. Like 95% of the time I see the silver lining, the glass half full, the rainbow in the storm (*snorts* Rainbow)...but there are times, 5% of the time, when all I see is the dark cloud, the half empty glass, and the fucking tornado and rains.
There are times when all I see is darkness.
When those times come, I'm very pessimistic. It's when I start to withdraw, when I need my isolation, when I start to look at everyone as if they will hurt me, use me, betray me, stab me in the back, throw me underneath the bus, leave me, talk about me behind my back or toss me aside. Those times are a lot fewer than they used to be and I don't often share them with everyone around me, but I have them. When I'm in my pessimistic mode that's when the thoughts of "I'm ugly," "I'm worthless," "I'm a mistake," "No one will ever love me," "I'm a freak," "I should have never been born," "I'm a failure," "I'm a horrible writer," "I'm an asshole" start to swirl around in my head.
Before I started seeing Brandi, the way I dealt with those thoughts was by drinking, or finding some hot guy and fucking him unconscious. When I was a teenager it was by getting high on something. When I was in Seminary, it was usually by taking a trip up to the dorms and having sex with someone (usually Bruce or Timothy, sometimes both of them simultaneously). Now when those thoughts come I can't write. So I read something or watch TV or I sit and let the thoughts fill up my head and then go and smoke a few cigarettes. I'm working on these thoughts slowly with Brandi, but it's a slow process of course, because of where the thoughts are rooted in and where they come from, but it's at least moving forward.
Vicktor: The Jerk
I can be a jerk. Especially when I'm sick. I can get very particular about certain things. I have moments where I'm an extreme perfectionist. There are times when I'm inflexible about anything to do with my life. "What do you mean you want another chance? Are you kidding me? I already told you what the problem was. I told you that I was going to work on me and you were supposed to be working on you. You didn't? You thought that I was going to just let you slide on everything? Wrong! No more chances for you. It's over."
And I'll say it just like that. I can be a jerk when it comes to someone hurting someone that I love. Someone being racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc. I'm not often a jerk and I'm sure that there are those who would argue with me about me being a jerk, but I know that I can be one.
I know that the world is filled with shades of grey. Hell, I know that the world is filled with color and everything is not black or white, but there are times when my brain is stuck on the black or white switch and that switch is un-bendable. Those are the times when I have a hard time listening to someone tell me that maybe the situation is a gray situation or a yellow situation. These times are when I get my reputation for being an evil bastard. They are few, but they are memorable.
Vicktor: The World Changer
With all of those things though, I want to change the world. Acknowledging my flaws has never been a problem for me, embracing my strengths and recognizing the good in me, the great in me, the awesome in me, that's where I get hung up a lot of the time. I know that I was born, created, to change the world for the better. It's been my focus, my goal, my dream, since I was five years old and I sang my first gospel song in front of a congregation of 12,000 people and then when I was done told them all to be happy and be good. I want that for the world. For everyone to be happy and be good. So I strive towards that end. I am single-minded in my focus. Everything I do ultimately comes back to "How will this help me change the world?" My group home (which still has no name) is one way. The charity project I have in mine (Every Man Organization) is another way. The business I've started with my sister that I want to expand and grow so that it can fund the charity projects is another way. The home program that I came up with (Least of These Housing Program) is another way. I sat down and made calls to non-profits, contractors, bank managers. I calculated, planned out and strategized everything that I'd need to do, how much money I'd need, to see my dreams become a reality. I am determined to change the world.
Because of that I'm a brat and a pessimist and a jerk. Why? Because I'm flawed, I'm not perfect and I want people in my life who can see that. Who know that and are willing, determined to stand beside me regardless. People who believe in my dream of changing the world and want to stand there with me when I do it. Acquaintances are fine. Friends of mine have to be warriors. Warriors go racing into battle, they know that they are going to be hurt, cut, wounded, but they do it for the good of their people, of their world. Much like the soldiers of today, the warriors of old were fearless, determined, focused. They wanted peace for their people, equal rights. No, they weren't all like that, and yes, much of the leadership throughout history was corrupt or selfish and had ulterior motives, but the altruistic mindset of a warrior, of a soldier, remains steady, tried and true.
I have been called a warrior my whole life. "A pitbull for equal rights and justice." I wear those mantles with pride. I can't have people on my team who are so self-focused that they can't take a stand for others. I'm not made that way, I don't think I'd want to be. I take care of myself because I want to take care of others. I do for myself so that I can do for others. That's not the mindset of everyone, but it is the mindset of me.
So yes, I'm a brat, a pessimist, a jerk, some of my exes may call me an asshole, I'm intimidating, I'm focused, determined, I'm a warrior, a pitbull. I'm a world-changer. I'm Vicktor and I make no apologies for that.
-Vicktor Aleksandr B