For all of my big personality I waver between feeling like everyone is watching me and feeling like I'm invisible. Crazy I know, but it's true.
Those times when I feel like everyone is watching me it's usually, I feel, to tell me when I'm doing something wrong. To tell me what I need to correct about myself, or when a massive shitstorm has broken out and they want to make sure that I'm okay because it's a shitstorm that centers around transgenders or blacks or black gays. But those times when I feel invisible? Those are undoubtedly the worst.
It's because I spent years of my life only speaking when spoken to. I was the child who was always cleaning up behind the others, taking care of others, it was my job to make sure that everyone was encouraged and happy, had been fed, was healthy... Even to the detriment of my own health.
For the most part I am noticed. Noticed by those who I know without a shadow of a doubt love me, encourage me, support me, are on my side. Those things matter to me. That whole "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" thing is sorta my mantra. And I live by it. I forgive those who hurt me, who betray me, who use me for their own personal gain or to stroke their own ego, those who talk about me behind my back... Those who deceive me. But the thing is, even though I'm the one whose been wronged I'm the usually the one trying to forget and move past it. Go back to how things were. Whereas the ones who did me wrong disappear. Is it guilt that makes me invisible to them? Do they feel as if I am less worthy of respect, care, love, support and encouragement because I allowed them to use me?
Do they think that because of my past that I should be used to "family and friends" disappointing me, hurting me, betraying me, and using me? Should my skin be tougher because I've gone through the fire so many times?
I don't know. But over the last few weeks I have been thinking about those who treat me like I am invisible, like I'm second class. Like I'm stupid, filled with issues and not worth the time it would take for them to say "hey Vic! How ya doing'?"
Not because I'm a masochist or anything but because I see things they don't see. I know things about my future and my life, my career that they will never be privy to. I know that if you stab me I will bleed. But I also know that I've been stabbed a few times and I can still fight even when I'm oozing blood.
So I will let them continue to treat me like I'm invisible, like I don't matter, as if I'm stupid and don't know anything and when those things, those awesome and amazing things that I know are coming into my life explode and everyone is looking at me differently I'm not going to rub it in these people's faces or be really rude about it. I am just going to look them in the face and say:
Oh, I'm sorry. Can you see me now?
-Vicktor Aleksandr B