Love Across The Big Pond: The Adventures of BradVic and Dangelina #3

Here's my 2nd letter to Daniel. Okay, it's not technically my second letter, but it's the second one I wrote with this title. And even though I scoffed at people who said it was a good idea at first, it has helped a little bit.



Dear Daniel (or Dangelina-which you know I love calling you that):

Do you know what I did after you went to bed last night? I started thinking about next year. This is our first Christmas "together," the first time we're celebrating your birthday "together" but still apart. I'm happy you're here, that you're in my life, so happy that I have you, but that damn ocean that's separating us? Well, it's starting to piss me off.

So I've decided to wage a war against the ocean and do all I can to make sure that next year? Before it gets close to the holidays, you are here with me where you belong. In my arms, in my bed. Wearing my ring.

I love you baby.


Love Always,

Vic (BradVic)

Breakfast With Brandon...The Ass

You all may remember me talking about my ex Brandon, whom I affectionately call "The Ass."

Some of you may think I call him that because he's an asshole, and you'd only be partly right.  Brandon is the ONLY boyfriend that I've ever had who always had to drink or get high before he'd want to get all affectionate with me.  Gave me quite a complex.

That's because Brandon is a bottom, but he didn't know that until he met me.

One night we were talking and I had done something extremely sweet for him and he said I could have whatever I wanted so I, with all of my "Smooth Vic Swagger", looked at him and said "I want that ass."

LOL.  I know, classy.

Anyway, he drank, we used lots and lots of lube because he was so scared and then when we got him naked I discovered why I would be calling him "the ass" for the rest of my natural born life.

Brandon has got a ghetto booty.  To see a ghetto booty on a natural born black woman is common place, to see it on a natural born black man is a little more common, but not so much.  To see a Latino woman with a ghetto booty is rare but not AS uncommon as seeing a white woman with a ghetto booty.  But...a white MAN with a ghetto booty?  For a gay man it's like the search for the Holy freakin' Grail.  LOL.

And as we know "Vic" is a gay man, a very toppy Dominant gay man.

When I saw Brandon's ass I wanted to weep...okay, not really, but my mouth did water and I did push him on the bed on all fours and I rimmed his ass like it was a fucking all you can eat buffet.

Oh. My. Gosh!  He even cleaned his ass like a gay man.  LOL.

Anyway, I fucked him, we both enjoyed it, we both got off and for the next few months that we were together, he was the "Dom" outside of the bedroom, while I played the part of "wifey" or "househusband" but in the bedroom, I was the fucking MAN!  LOL.  *Shivers of delighted rememberance*

Our relationship didn't really end all that well, even though I introduced him to his current partner.  Oh we didn't argue or anything, but he knew it was over and didn't tell me and when I found out...let's just say you don't want to fuck with a Scorpio.  I didn't out him or do anything horrible to him, but for a few weeks he got pictures sent to him of the two of us together.  Him handcuffed to the bed, me with my strap on about to fuck him.  *Shrugs*  Not one of my better moments but hey, I have a temper.

Anyway, while it's not unusual for me to hear from him, when he called me yesterday to tell me that he and his partner were going to be in town and they wanted to meet with me I said yes.  Had I known what the meeting was about, I would have brought a tall bottle of vodka or scotch or something.

Brandon and his partner have decided that they want to have children.  At first I thought they were asking for my eggs and I thought "Wow I'd be able to stay with Jack, I'd just fly up and visit.  Perfect solution!"  But, I got ahead of myself and got horribly disappointed.

They are going to use Brandon's partner, Brian's (yeah I call them B & B...and I always crack up when I do), sister's eggs, but they want me to move to Iowa for a while and carry the eggs for them.  So they want me to actually be the surrogate.  When I asked why Brian's sister couldn't do it, I was told that she didn't mind giving up an egg (or two) but she didn't want to ruin her figure by carrying someone else's child.  Apparently, I have no such qualms.

So.  Yeah.  They asked me and I told them that with everything going on that I'd have to think about it....like seriously think about it.  At this point me being pregnant would be BEYOND weird, and I sent Jack a quick text message and even he was like:

Jack: Goddammit baby, Idk. On 1 hand no b/c ur egg not good enuff? On 2 hand u can help and b preg. On 3 hand too weird.


Thank you Jackson, so eloquent, but exactly what I was thinking.  Because you know I asked them why not my eggs (especially since I'm so goddamn fertile) and they looked at each other all nervous like and said "We don't really want a black baby...or at least not a really dark brown one."

I chose to not have that be a racist statement and purely a matter of preference.

So I have this decision to make about if I'll carry for them or not.  On the one hand I'd be able to move.  Have a place to stay (with them-all expenses paid).  And that's good.  On the other hand, this whole thing, what they said about the "black baby" and everything just sort of makes me feel...icky.

*Sigh* I'm not going to worry about this right now.  I'll think about it more AFTER I get back from NOLA.

Saying I Love You

Jack and I were laying in the bed, sweaty, gasping for breath, sticky...(oh yeah, we had a very wild, extreme time, there's a dent in the wall from my shoulders.  LOL), my heart was racing  and I had the biggest shit-eating grin on my face because...damn....it was good!!  When Jack rolls over and looks at me.  He looks all serious and I sort of smile up at him because after that type of workout, you can't do anything but smile.  He touches my chin, kisses my lips and then....

Jack: So you know I love you right?

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!  I swear I just sort of blinked at him and then sat up really fast, my forehead connected with his, we both grabbed our heads, I have obscenities flowing out of my mouth and he's laughing.  Then we both just sort of stopped.  He grins at me.

Jack: You know I love you right?
Me: Why do you keep saying that?
Jack: Saying what?
Me: That you love me.
Jack: Because I do.
Me: You can't though.
Jack: Why not?
Me: Because we haven't even KNOWN each other that long!!
Jack: Wait, so you're putting a time restriction on my feelings for you too?  What the hell Vic!  You don't get to tell me what I can and cannot feel, for Christ's sake!

So I'm feeling pretty shitty and confused and inexplicably upset.  So I, of course, have a chick moment and start crying, yep with my strap on around my waist and everything.  LOL.  So Jack gets off the bed and comes over to where I'm standing and crying and puts his arms around me.

Me: Did you just say that because of what happened with my family?
Jack: (chuckles) No.  I wanted to say it before that even happened, but I didn't want you to freak out on me or anything.
Me: (hit him on the arm) Shut up fucker.
Jack: Hey now, sometimes I'm the fuckee.
Me: (laughing) Oh man that's just corny.
Jack: Well, I have to match my quota of corny jokes with yours.
Me: I do NOT make corny jokes!  I'm fucking hilarious!
Jack: No, you were fucking Jack, you weren't fucking hilarious.

So I burst out laughing because Jack was obviously in one of his silly moods and I love it when he gets like that.  He picks me back up and carries me back over to the bed because after a rigorous bout of hot JV sex (Jack & Vic sex) my hip and back are screaming in pain.  We lay back down on the bed and I'm still laughing a little bit.  When I stop he looks down at me and I just know he's going to say it again and I was right.

Jack: So you know I love you right?
Me: (nods) Yeah, and I love you too.
Jack: Good.
Me: Fabulous.
Jack: (looks away for a bit then looks back at me) Want to go again?
Me: Hell yeah!

Then we celebrated the fact that I'd stopped being a chicken shit and said it back.

I sort of freaked out today because dammit it's going to suck even worse now to say "goodbye" but thankfully Kate, my older online sister talked me off of the proverbial emotional ledge and said "You know that the goodbye is coming but don't spend the next few months worrying about it because then you won't be able to enjoy this time."

And she was right.  So I'm happy that I said "I love you" to this amazing man who sometimes I'm afraid to even sleep beside for fear that I'll wake up and find out that it's all just a dream, but I'm going to enjoy this time.

And keep on saying "I love you."

Dating My Policeman is Bittersweet (a.k.a. A Perfectly Imperfect Couple)

So I was told that I never told you guys what Jack did for a living.  My bad.  I thought I had.

Jack is a police officer.

Yes, I know.  I pinch myself on a daily basis to make sure I'm not dreaming this all up as well.  But we've actually got a lot of really hot police officers here in Florida and according to Jack not all of them are "completely straight."  Whatever that means.

Anyway, I have dated a sergeant in the Army, a manager of Mcdonald's, a professor, a few college students, a financial manager of Amscot....not all of the relationships were great, some of them really sucked, but there you have it.

Dating a police officer is...different.

For the most part I know that Jack is going to be okay, he doesn't work the overnight shifts a lot but every so often I will be asleep in bed and hear sirens and wake up suddenly and reach for him to make sure that he's in the bed with me.  He always laughs when I do this and pulls me to him a little tighter.  It makes me feel better but in the morning when he goes off on duty it makes me sad and as the days pass I get more and more sad.  Not because being with him is horrible, but because it's so amazing.

I love to see Jack come home in his uniform and I must admit that I've had a number of mental erections over that whole uniform covering his wide chest and his firm ass and of course JJ who is like my second favorite person in the world (Jack Jr.-he has a mind of his own I tell you what).  If I'm sitting on the couch when he walks in the front door I put the computer to the side (because it's always on my lap) and I turn with my head up for a kiss.  He tells me I'm silly, kisses me and then goes to change.  If I'm in the bedroom, I usually just "assume the position."  But every day we seem to burrow more and more into this domestic scene, becoming more and more of a couple, referring to ourselves as "we" and "us" and "Vac" or "Jic" (yeah, guess who came up with those names?), making plans for trips to Italy and Australia and Boston and New York and Brazil, both of us knowing that they will never happen.  We lay around and fantasize about a future that we know we will never have.

And it's not just because Jack's job is so dangerous.

We're always aware that cops get shot in broad daylight, especially here in Florida, especially here lately.  We're aware of hostage situations, stand-offs, meth labs, drug busts gone wrong, car accidents, and criminals who will do anything to not go to jail or return to prison.  We know that but we still laugh and fantasize and settle into domestic bliss, neither of us wanting to borrow trouble.

But that's not what makes it bittersweet.

It's knowing that our relationship had a date of expiration.  We don't like to focus on it, we actually try to ignore that it's there but a simple conversation about us possibly moving in together (since I'm pretty much living here now anyway) turned into a few deeper conversations and us finding out that there were a few things that neither of us were willing to compromise on.  Things that put a timestamp on our relationship things that let us know that while we seem so...well...perfect for each other, we weren't meant to be together.

And that makes dating him bittersweet.  Neither of us is ready to let go.  Neither of us is ready to say goodbye to the other.  So we're both holding on to this relationship that is guaranteed to end at the end of the year.  Both of us growing more attached to the other.  Both of us falling more and more in...like with each other (you can't make me say the other word no matter how hard you try *sticks out tongue*).

And while I'm looking forward to my trip to New Orleans for GRL in two weeks, and my trip to Tennessee to spend Thanksgiving with my "family of the heart" from California, and then my trip to New York for Christmas, I want to cancel them all because they just take me away from Jack.  And then I want to call his job and tell them that he quits so that he can sit around all day with me and maybe we can figure out a way to make the impossible possible or barring that so I can torture myself and fall just a little more in like with him.


ETA: So Jack wants me to tell you all why we know.  It's more than just the fact that I need to move.  Every day that I'm here in Florida, I feel like I'm suffocating and like my spirit is being crushed.  I have always been aware of when it's time to move on and I should have left a while ago, I really never should have left California, but I did.  But again, that's not the only reason.  You all know how much I want to have kids and so does Jackson, but Jack doesn't want to have kids...ever.  For both of us it's an issue that neither of us will compromise on.  He doesn't want children, he says that he never will and that's something that I want desperately...almost as much as I want my "manjunk."  LOL.  So while we want to be together, unfortunately, it's not enough.  Jack wanted you all to know so that you didn't try to give me the whole "But VeeVee you can stay" talk.  I already had that talk once and it's just a little too hard right now, to have it again.
But don't worry until we have to say goodbye, we will be lighting up the sheets.  And yes, that is a term.  *Rolls eyes* You guys!  LOL.

Damien & Roman: Forever (Part Four)

Damien-Transforming

So when did you realize that your life was boring and predictable and you needed a change?






     It was about six months after I'd moved to Knoxville, Tennessee from Frankfort.  I'd been under the assumption that I was discontented with my life because I'd grown up my whole life in Kentucky. There was nothing new there for me.  I had been to every mall, every attraction, every restaurant, hang out spot, arena and gay bar that the state offered and it had grown stale.  At least that's what I thought.  I thought for sure that it had to be the state that was the problem, not me.
     So I moved to Knoxville and for about four months everything was great.  I was learning the area, discovering new things, meeting new people.  To me, my life had become exciting again, full of adventure, new experiences, fascinating and new things.  Then about four months into my living in Knoxville I realized that it wasn't so much that my life had suddenly become exciting, it was just that my life had become...new.  New is not exciting, new isn't necessarily interesting, having something new doesn't give you something of substance, of meaning.  So while after four months of living in Knoxville I realized that my new life wasn't suddenly interesting, it took two more months before I realized that the reason my life was boring and predictable was because I was boring and predictable.
     I'd called my brother Kelvin, who had been married to his husband Cody for about two years at that point and I was pouring out all of my angst and anguish.  Kelvin is really good about listening, he lets you talk yourself exhausted and then he offers two to three sentences of sound advice that rocks your world and changes you forever.  He did it again this time as well.
     "So that's the problem," I'd told him after explaining everything and then I heard him grunt, which in "Kelvin-speak" is like saying "I am becoming the life guru now and it is taking little effort on my part to become so wise."  So I waited.  I heard him breathing.  I heard him grunt again.  I heard Cody in the background on his cellphone, chattering away to someone and then Kelvin sighed, which meant he was about to dispense wisdom and I would e wise to pay attention at that very moment.
     I was older than Kelvin by five years, my voice was deeper, gruffer, but Kelvin had a voice that demanded attention, it was like smooth velvet over hard steel striking a pole.  You felt instantly alert, but oddly soothed at the same time.  Cody said that Kelvin had a sex voice...if he wan't my younger brother, I'd be inclined to agree.
     "Damien, it seems to me that what you're searching for, you ain't gonna find by moving to a new state.  There's an empty spot in you that can't no new house, new job or new sex partner gonna fill.  You need to slow down, hell, you need to stop and find love, real true love, the kind that takes your fantastical ideas about what a gay relationship is supposed to be and rips it to shreds.  You need someone that's gonna call you on your bullshit, love you fiercely and make you love them just as hard.  You're searching for someone that going to make you think about forever.  Marriage, kids, a mortgage.  Ain't nothing more interesting than being committed to someone that's equally committed to you.  That's what makes life interesting.  That's what makes you a man."
     It was the longest speech I'd ever heard Kelvin make in all the years that I'd known him, all the years he'd been alive.  So I sat in my three bedroom home in Knoxville dumbfounded.  Even at their wedding all Kelvin had done was turn to Cody and say, "You know I'm gonna love you, take care of you, protect you and raise a family with you for the rest of this life and beyond, the rest is just details."
     We'd all cried because for Kelvin, saying all that was like the grandest, most romantic poem ever written.  So for him to have said all that he had to me?  Well that was a big fucking deal.
     "O-okay Kelvin.  You're right," I stammered, my brain still frozen in shock and awe and extreme humility.
     I heard Kelvin grunt again.  A deeper grunt.  More of a growl than anything and it meant that I was welcome for his sage advice and of course he was right.  I heard Cody say something to him in the background and heard Kelvin sigh in frustration which meant Cody had just asked him to do something, probably directed towards me, that he found bothersome.  Something he knew he was going to do anyway.  I heard him grunt again, an indulgent grunt that everyone knew meant that he loved his husband in spite of everything and would give the man the universe if he could.
     "Cody says to catch a flight on out here for the Fourth of July barbecue and stay for the weekend with us. Or you can stay with mom and dad.  Cody's best friend is living with us for the time being," Kelvin stated and though he'd issued it as a request and he was the younger brother I knew an order when I heard one.
     "Sure.  I'll pack now and catch a flight out this weekend.  I'll give you the flight details after I get them," I said.  I felt strangely excited for some reason and Kelvin only grunted and hung up.
     I packed quickly that day and bought my ticket the next morning, before texting the details to Kelvin.  Three days later I climbed into the taxi with butterflies in my stomach heading back to Frankfort.
     Had I known what was going to happen that weekend and how my life was going to change, I would have hugged every person I met, given the taxi driver that took me to the airport and the one that took me to Cody and Kelvin's a bigger tip.  I would have smiled at every flight attendant and passenger on my flight, started up a joyous sing-a-long on the plane ride over.  I would have hugged Kelvin and Cody longer than I did when I showed up at their house from the airport and then offered to buy them their dream home.
     Because that weekend I met and fell in love with Roman.  Roman, who turned out to be the love of my life and who brought so much excitement that I never felt boring and predictable ever again.

Damien & Roman: Forever (Part Three)

So with my whole sojourn into the hospital yesterday and then being on bed rest today while my body still fights the "poison" in my body, and Jack playing nursemaid, I had a lot of time to write.  So the words for "D & R" came flowing out.  I'm not going to put up all of it, but I will put up Part Three today.  So enjoy!!






WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOU LEFT HOME?


Roman:


     Actually I drove and drove and drove until my vision got blurry and only then did I stop.  When I pulled into the nearest gas station to ask where I was, they told me I was in Frankfort, Kentucky.  I was a little surprised that I'd driven out to Kentucky of all places, much less Frankfort.  I looked around the store and the streets for about ten minutes and I was the only black person around.  I was a little unsure of how I was going to be treated, I wasn't too sure of the racial climate in Frankfort, but I knew that it was as good a place as any, at least for the night.  I bought about seventy five dollars worth of food and was just about to walk out when this very thin guy, about my height, maybe a little shorter, with red hair, blue eyes and freckles walked in the store.
     When he looked at me it was instantaneous.  For both of us.  He smiled at me and I smiled back.
     "And where are you going honey?" he'd asked me.  Oh yeah, he was a flaming homosexual.  I grinned at him.  Who would have thought that I would meet my new best friend in Frankfort, Kentucky?
     "I'd planned on finding a hotel to crash at for a few days before I moved on," I told him, the two of us stepping to the side when a large woman walked in.  She gave us both dirty looks and walked towards the back of the store. Without thinking I played a game aloud that I usually play in my head, when I tried to guess what she was in the store to buy.
     "Pepto-Bismol, donuts, beer, chips, sandwiches from the refrigerated section and three lottery tickets," I mumbled.  My new friend, whose name I still didn't know, chuckled and offered his own guess.
     "Pepto-Bismol, Drano, beer, five lottery tickets, donuts, chips, Big Gulp, tabloid magazine, three packs of cigarettes," he said with a smirk.
     I stared at him in shock when she got exactly what he'd said she would.
     "How in the hell did you know that?" I asked him.  He looked at me, with his blue eyes twinkling, and smiled.
     "Because that's my sister-in-law and it's what she sent me in here to buy," he said with a teasing grin.
     I felt myself blush, yes, black people can blush too, and opened my mouth to apologize, he shook his head with a laugh.
     "Don't apologize," he said, "You weren't being mean or insulting her, besides, it was fun," he said with a cheeky grin.  His sister-in-law walked up to us then and gave him a fond smile before looking at me suspiciously.  It was then that I realized that she thought I was trying to hit on her brother-in-law.  Which I found fucking hilarious, because while he was cute, he wasn't my type at all.  I liked to top, I loved it actually, and while in the bedroom I loved to dominate my partner.  I liked said partner to be bigger than me, however, because outside of the bedroom I wanted him to dominate me.  I just grinned at her though.  I loved to sort of ruffle people's feathers and keep them on their toes, it always drove my parents crazy.
     Thinking about my parents made me sort of sad though.  I'd driven all the way from Valdosta, Georgia to Frankfort, Kentucky without thinking about them once, and now they were forefront in my mind.  I gave myself a mental shake and focused on the pair in front of me.  They were both looking at me with looks of concern and shit.  It sort of unnerved me.  I couldn't remember the last time anyone had been worried about me.  That warm feeling that I got inside was new to me as well, it felt strangely like happiness or something equally thrilling.
     "What's wrong?  Your face just went from all happy to depressed in like a second," the woman asked.  I had to find out their names, because calling them "the woman" and "the twink" just wasn't going to cut it.
     I sort of lifted my left eyebrow at her, she had asked me a pretty private question.  To her credit, she didn't blush, not once, she just kept looking at me until I ended up blushing myself.
     "Oh man!  Sorry!  I'm Cody and this is my sister-in-law, Amy.  I married her brother, Kelvin," Cody said gesturing before turning to Amy.  "Amy, this is my new friend..." he turned to look at me with his eyebrows raised and I realized that he didn't know my name either.
     So I grinned at him and then held out my hand to Amy, "Just call me Roman."

Life-Changing Book: Nowhere Ranch by Heidi Cullinan

Nowhere Ranch by Heidi Cullinan
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

When I read L.A. Witt's "Static" I had a panic attack because it made me come face-to-face with some truths about myself that I'd been hiding.  When I read this book I cried because Heidi described the heartbreak I experienced at my own coming out, the grief, the despair, the hopelessness that ate away at me with my family's reaction, the need to erect walls to keep oneself safe from any more emotional hurt, the fight and struggle for healing and the overwhelming power of hope, forgiveness and acceptance, not of others but the acceptance of yourself.

When I first started reading this book, I didn't know what to expect.  It had been recommended to me by Pati Maye, someone who after hearing about my family's reaction to my coming out told me that she'd adopt me.  So I read this expecting to read a story of how a family accepted someone's decision to live their truth.  I didn't even read the blurb, I just started reading.  When I read Roe's family's reaction to finding out he was gay I felt as if Heidi had hidden cameras in my home (which wouldn't make sense as this book was written and published before I came out).  I could feel the lost feeling that ate away at Roe's insides and when Roe began working at Nowhere Ranch and he met up with Travis Loving, the ranch owner, in a gay bar, I don't think I've ever rooted so hard for a couple before.

Heidi's words and the flow of her sentences made this book gritty and raw with emotion, I ached with the need for Roe to realize he wasn't evil for loving someone, I desperately needed for Travis to catch Roe if he ever ran if he ever fell, because Heidi's way with words had me feeling as if Roe's struggle was my own.

The sex was hot, rough, passionate, sweaty, and I cringed and clenched through most of it, feeling as if Travis was standing over me giving me orders or telling me what he was about to do to me.  It was wonderful how Travis always knew what Roe needed, even when Roe didn't, and he always gave it to him, whether he was being rough or gentle, paddling him or yes, fisting him (gasp!).  It was all so hardcore, so raunchy and so gripping that I purposefully read the scenes to my boyfriend just to see his reactions.

Haley's determination for Roe to have happiness, the way she fought for him, fought for his well-being, fought for his acceptance, fought for his right to love who he wanted, to have the family and the life he wanted, made me smile and root for her, making her one of the FIRST female friends in a M/M romance book that I actually WANTED to read about.  At one point, I even clapped for her after she gave a long speech.

The best thing about this book was the ending.  It was the greatest, sweetest ending ever.  I nodded, wiped away the tears that had escaped from my eyes pages before and felt "The Epilogue Whore" within me give a great big sigh of relief that Heidi had satisfied us both, the reader who longs for the story and the E.W. who longs for the "After" in Happily Ever After.

Rarely do I read a story that affects me so much that when it's over I've realized that I had such a visceral reaction to it, but when I read one that does, I know that it's one that I will read over and over and over again.  I would recommend this book to everyone.  To those who were able to come out with no adverse reaction from their family, so that they can appreciate that experience and express their love and gratefulness for that.  To those who came out and whose parents had a negative reaction, disowned them, kicked them out, beat them up, etc. so that they can see that our desire to love, our ability to love someone even when others say that it's wrong is not wrong, is not evil, is not a sin, that being who we are, living our own individual truths is the greatest example of purity, of righteousness, of holiness that there could ever be.  To those who have had someone that they know, someone that they love come out and they reacted positively or negatively so that they can see that love, no matter its form, its gender, its race or religion, is just love.

And to those who still dare to dream, dare to hope, dare to love, this is the perfect book for you.


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Post Date Satisfaction (From Vic/Vee and Jack)-NSFW

*Sigh* (This is a SUPER long post, but it's the whole date and I even let Jack say hi!)

I am writing this post from Jack's bed...in Jack's house...with Jack in the kitchen making breakfast....okay, putting breakfast on a plate (he went to McDonald's) so that we can have breakfast in bed.

Yes, *shiver* breakfast in bed.  *Squeal*

Where shall I begin?

Let's see, our date was supposed to start at 8.  Jack called me and told me that he was coming at 7.

He showed up at 6:45.

Impatient little thing isn't he?  *Big grin*

So he had a reason for wanting to get me at 7.  He wanted to go to dinner out at Bahama Breeze in Tampa.  So we drove all the way out there.

Now, about what I wore:  I was in full-on Vic mode, so I had on a pair of black dress pants, a button down red shirt, black tie, black jacket, my hair was pulled back in a ponytail.  I had on my earrings and I had put on lip moisturizer.  I'd put on my pair of black boots and I was using my cane, which is black as well.  My favorite colors and I must admit...I looked good.

So anyway, Jack picks up my overnight bag, looks at me, raises his eyebrows and grins and says: "I hope you packed for the whole weekend."

*Silent scream of happiness*

So you know, I'm all smooth and confident and shit when I'm Vic and I sort of tilt my head to the side and say: "You're that confident that you're that good and I'm going to want more?"

Jack just grins and says: "You might even want to pack for the week.  I may never be able to get rid of you."

As my friend Kate would say: Cheeky little bugger.

So I just open the bag and toss in another shirt and a pair of shorts.  He sort of looks at me and raises his eyebrows.  I laughed, I knew what he wanted to ask, everyone does.  "I don't wear underwear."

His mouth sort of drops open and he nods.  I just laugh and turn him towards the door so we can go.  Now in the bag I had packed a pair of flip-flops, a pair of jeans, there were now two t-shirts instead of one, condoms (flavored and ribbed), lube (flavored and unflavored), massage oils, my laptop (because I knew I was going to want to blog this AND because I wanted to read to Jack-the man doesn't read....at all.  Nothing except the newspaper.  We must change that), my binder with the books that I'm writing inside, my cellphone, my wallet, my pain meds (I go NOWHERE without them), my sketchpad (I've been designing this new line inspired by Luci and Katharina), colored pencils, toothbrush, hairbrush, contact solution, contact carrying case, and deodorant.  Yeah, overnight for me is like...packing.


So we get in the car and guess what's playing?  YES!  LADY FREAKING GAGA!!  I like bounced in the seat, which made me think of my conversation with Thorny that I'd had earlier that day and I burst out laughing.  Jack closed the back door and climbs in and just sort of looks at me sitting in his front seat giggling my head off.  I mean I was bent forward, hands on the dash, tears streaming down my face, laughing and gasping for breath.  So Jack pulls off down the road and Lady Gaga's like playing loudly and I'm struggling to stop laughing and I do that "Wooo!!!" that you do at the end of a hard laugh and looked at him, still sort of snickering and he's like: "Wanna let me in on the joke?"

Me: You'll blush.
Jack: Why?  All you did was get in the car.
Me: It's something that happened earlier.
Jack: Okay.....
Me: So...I was a little nervous about tonight.
Jack: Yeah, me too
Me: Really?
Jack: Yeah.  I mean...you're a...I mean, technically.....
Me: (nods) Yeah, that's a bit of it.
Jack: Huh?
Me: So I sent my little brother Thorny, I told you about him, so I sent him an email, I was a little worried and concerned about tonight and he gave me some advice and at the beginning of his email he said he was "bouncing" so when I bounced it made me think of him and that's why I was laughing.
Jack: And the part about you being....
Me: You can say it you know.
Jack: Say what?
Me: Whatever you're trying to say.  That I'm "technically" a woman, that the dick in between my legs is actually a strap on and not something I was born with, that I have breasts, beautiful breasts, but still breasts and you're a gay man and it's weird, very, very weird that we're trying to date when physically we shouldn't really be compatible.
Jack: Yeah but there's something about you.  Like when I look at you, I don't see a woman.  I don't see Veronica.  I see Vic.  I hear Vic.  But every so often...
Me: You think about the boobs or the dick that's not really attached?
Jack: Yeah
Me: Yeah, I was going to pack a blindfold and Thorny told me not to.
Jack: Why not?
Me: (I turn to look at him-by this point, I'll be honest I'm trying to figure out if the date is over already-before it has even begun) Because he said that I didn't want to allow you to imagine I was another man.  That you should be aware of who it was that was fucking you to the best orgasm of your life.
Jack: He said that?
Me: (laughs) Well that "best orgasm" thing was all me, but it's still the truth.

The car got really quiet then, I was ready to call for a taxi or whatever but then I hear Jack saying my name.

Jack: Hey Vic?
Me: Yeah?
Jack: Let's give it a shot.
Me:  Yeah?
Jack: Yeah.  I can do it.

So, with that out of the way, something that I am pretty sure is going to repeatedly come up as long as we're "dating", we change the subject.  I bring up the fact that he doesn't read.

Me: How the hell do you not read?
Jack: (laughs) I just don't.
Me: But you bought both of my books!  You're really not going to read them?
Jack: (shrugs) Probably not.
Me: Ass.  You HAVE to read them!  How about this?  I'll read them to you.
Jack: Well.....
Me: It will be like an audiobook.
Jack: We can try that out, but no promises.  And you're reading your books?
Me: Not at first.  I want to ease you into the world of m/m romance.  So my friends Katharina and Luci told me about this book and I bought it today, so we can read it together.
Jack: What is it called?
Me: On Fire by Drew Zachary
Jack: On Fire?
Me: Yeah.  They said that you'll love it.

So we keep talking and talking.  We get to Bahama Breeze and we're eating and drinking margaritas (Bahama Breeze makes like THE BEST margaritas EVER and I've lived in San Diego, New York City, Chicago.  BB has THE BEST) and just getting to know each other.  So after dessert we get up to leave and I have to "adjust" myself and I tried to do it discreetly, I really did, and Jack's adjusting also, but for a TOTALLY different reason, let's just say that when I get tipsy I get EXTREMELY horny and I was already turned on because Jack was wearing this black shirt that was tight over his chest, this sort of silky material (what's it called-Not silk but like satin or something) and a pair of gray pants with a gray jacket, so I was very handsy during dinner.  So anyway, I'm trying to adjust myself discreetly and there's this table of...sorority girls is the only thing I can term them, because that's how they looked, and they look at me and then at Jack and then back at me and when we go to walk past them one of them says: "Oh my gosh!  He did a GREAT job, I wouldn't have even known he was a man if he hadn't grabbed his crotch like that!"

Jack and I waited until we got outside to start laughing.  Then he puts his arm around me and he's like "You do make a pretty drag queen."  So I got this idea and I'm like "Why don't you just think of me like that?"

Jack: Like what?
Me: That I'm just a man in drag.
Jack: What?
Me: You know, like if you're still feeling unsure or whatever....
Jack: (stops in front of the car turns to me and kisses me) Babe, it's okay.  You're Vic.  You're you.  (shrugs) I don't have to label it anymore.
Me: (sigh-yeah, girly moment) So we going back to your place or what?
Jack: Thought you wanted to go see a movie.
Me: I'd rather see you naked and make a movie instead.

You know how in books they say "he gulped audibly"?  Yeah, I had never actually heard someone swallow before.  I heard Jack swallow.  It made me smile. It gave me a HUGE mental erection and it just made want to get to his house so much more.

We got to his house and dropped my bad and then just started pulling clothes off.  And we took off all our clothes *shiver*  The man is even more gorgeous naked.......*happy sigh*.  So we're standing there looking at each other and he says "You know, I see your face and your tits and your dick...but it's not like you're a girl or whatever.  You're like a guy with tits rather than a girl with a dick."

I must admit that made me smile.  It also made me throw myself at him.  This did not need to be one of those whole "talk-through-sex" type things.

Now, I'm about to get graphic so.....

This is the type of strap-on that I wear when I'm just walking around:

It can quickly (and I'm talking like unclip and clip on) be switched out for this one:




So anyway, we're standing there naked and I have on the second one, not the first and it's easy to sort of pull it forward and then tuck it back (like I'm a drag queen) and that's what I'd done, but when I pulled of my clothes and stepped out, Lil' Big Vic (10") comes swinging forward.  Before I know it Jack's pulled me into his arms and we're making out hardcore.  Hands are everywhere and he just sort of sinks almost to his knees and takes LBV into his mouth.  Now LBV is silicone so no, it doesn't taste like a real cock, but Jack's down there moaning and humming like it is.  And I'm a "very toppy moho" to use Thorny's description.  So I'm like thrusting into his mouth and to me it feels AMAZING like it's really mine.  So he stands up and I'm trying to like climb up his body.  My legs are around his waist, he's holding me in his arms, his hands under my ass, I can feel his hard cock poking my ass and OH MY GOSH I forgot how good it felt to feel one of those!!  (Kate, I did the growly man thing.  LOL.) So neither of us wants to wait to walk to the bedroom so, he sits me down on the couch and I can't even talk I just kind flap my hand and point my finger at my bag.  He goes and grabs it and brings it to me, I'm jerking clothes and all types of shit out of the bag (I know I should have put everything on top).  I grab the condoms and the lube and I point at him and this is where Jack met Vic the Dom.

My voice always sort of deepens even more when I get in my Dom headspace and I'm like "Lay over the arm of the couch."  I think Jack must have a little bit of sub in him because he did it quickly and I'm looking at his ass and all I can think is, I want to taste that.  LOL.  So I did. (MMMmmmmm)  I had told Jack in a previous conversation about how I'm very oral.  Cock, ass, fingers, nipples, neck, back....hell, it doesn't matter to me so he cleaned himself VERY well.  Trust me I know.  Anyway, I'm going to town and I'm pouring the flavored lube on my fingers and in between his cheeks and I'm stretching him out and at the WORST possible time I start thinking about my freaking books!  (I have to remember if I do something wrong or something he doesn't like so I can change it if I have to in the book)  Then I hear: "What the hell Vic?!"  And I remember where the hell I am and what the hell I'm supposed to be doing!

Well if his moans, cries and grunts are anything to go by I did a VERY good job.  We both came (yeah I can come from fucking someone.  I dare someone to tell me that I'm not really a man inside-asses) and I'm laying all over his back and he's draped all over the arm of the couch and I burst out laughing (I'm a dork people) because I realize that I have the best of both worlds because I can fuck a man AND never go soft!  Jack opens one eye and looks at me over his shoulder and growls out "You better NOT be thinking about that Thorny guy with your cock still up my ass!"  Which of course made me laugh harder, but I'm shaking my head no and thinking "Man Thorny's going to freak if he knew we were talking about him so much."

So we "unlock" and I'm looking at his brown couch that now has these stains on it and I look at Jack.  I mean, I'm a little nervous now.  What's the next step?  So he asks if I want to shower and I'm thinking okay this is it, the novelty has worn off he's done so I just sort of nod.  He walks over, picks me up (because all of that fucking had my hip aching bad) and he's walking all funny (and I SWEAR I laughed in my head) and takes me to the bathroom.

We showered together.  Then he put me in his bed and kisses my forehead, "I'll be right back baby, I'm going to grab your stuff and clean off the couch.  You can watch tv if you want."  He walks out and I sort of lay back with this sigh.  I am content...somewhat.  So I turn on the tv and wait for him.  I don't know what I watched to tell you the truth, but he brings my stuff in and I ask for my laptop.  He gives it to me and I plug it in and he goes to the kitchen and brings back two bottles of water, a bottle of red wine (I don't remember what kind), two glasses, and he's holding a bag of pretzels in his mouth.  I just sort of stared at him.

Me: "Is that some sort of weird gay post-sex snack or something?"

He blinks at me and grins after shaking his head.  He climbs in bed with me and pulls me to him.

Jack: "Nah, just a grab whatever looks interesting post-sex snack."

I nod and then open On Fire.  "Ready?" I ask and he looks down.  He sees that it's a book and he bursts out laughing.

Jack: You're not going to give this up are you?
Me: If you want some more of this (I grab my strap-on: Yeah the shower was interesting, Jack washed LBV while it was still attacked and I pulled it away to wash the rest of me while he rinsed off the front of him.  He did wash the girls though.  He kept bouncing them for some reason.  *shakes head* Weirdo), you're going to have to read some naughty gay romance books.
Jack: (sighs) Fine
Me: Or I can read them to you
Jack: That sounds better.

So I started reading to him.  I don't know what it is about that book but for some reason the first time that Sam and Rob are getting it on (around page 13 or so) Jack's all over me, he's pushing the laptop away and he's kissing me and got his hands all on my tits then around to my ass.  He's squeezing them and spanking them a little and then he grabs the lube and looks down at me.  I just smiled and said "HELL YEAH!!"  Then I got to suck his cock (Again MMMmmmmmm) and then he fucked me (yes, my ass people, DUH!  LOL).

Anyway, I remember having to walk to the bathroom to do some "clean-up" thinking about how our earlier shower was a waste, thinking about how funny I had to look walking, and I'm laughing again and I hear Jack behind me: "What?"

Me: I don't think I write about this in my books
Jack: About what?
Me: The sort of full, pressure feeling afterwards
Jack: Who wants to read about that?
Me: But it's real life.
Jack: Yeah......

That was the end of the conversation.  We went back to bed and I did just like I do at home, slept in the nude with my strap on still on.  Jack slept spooned up behind me.  It was SO nice.

So when we got up this morning before he went out for breakfast I was already up and reading the responses that some of you left on my post yesterday and he's reading over my shoulder like: Wow, these people are like fierce over you.

Which made me smile because you guys are.  Then I let him read the messages between me and the friend in question and he nodded and said "Good.  I'm glad he apologized and appreciates you and offered an explanation."  So I sort of look at him, "You're kind of fierce over me too huh?"

"Well, I'm a possessive boyfriend and I'm not going to let anyone take my baby for granted.  You're my man and I'm gonna look out for you."

I'm sort of looking at him in shock.  Say what now?  I'm still thinking about that statement.

Anyway, that brings us to where we are now, Jack's in bed next to me eating pancakes, eggs and sausage from McDonald's.  I have pancakes sausage and hashbrowns on the nightstand next to me, we both have coffee and we're watching LOGO TV(I told him my secret dream to work there in some capacity or to write a movie or something for them).  He wants to say hi so I'm going to let him say hi to you all (we're not there for him to be a part of my blog permanently but he can say hi.  So here he is):



Hey everyone.  My name is Jackson.  Everyone calls me Jack, but Vic says you guys know that.  I just want to say hi and sorta introduce myself.  Thank you to those who told him to give me another chance and to those of you who gave him advice about our date or supported him.  He's really amazing and I've heard about a lot of you all (although there are a few names that come up a lot-Vic's little brothers? Thorny and Matt) and you all seem really nice.  So, nice to meet all of you.                 Jackson



LOL.  His hands were shaking!!  He's so cute!!  He was asking me "Is that okay?  What do I say?"  Then he's like: It is Thorny and Matt that are your little brothers right?  They're not your crush?  Hahaha!!  Anyway, we're going to get back to watching whatever this is and read some more of On Fire and then go out to the beach out in St. Pete and have lunch.  He asked me to stay the weekend so I am.  I'm so extremely satisfied.  So much in fact that I really want to just go back to sleep.  LOL.

Talk to you folks later!

{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

Vic/Vee

Damien & Roman: Forever (Part Two)

Damien's Introduction:


     I came out to my parents when I was sixteen.  Neither of them were upset, though both of them were shocked.  You see, I'm not the stereotypical image of a gay man.  I look like an athlete, a big, huge muscle-bound athlete.  I've always looked that way and so I played into it.  I played sports all throughout high school and college.  Football, baseball, hockey, soccer.  It didn't matter what I was playing as long as there were sweaty men involved.
     My mother became the most supportive "gay mother" that I've ever known.  She joined PFLAG, she marched in pride parades, protested, signed petitions, she even joined Twitter so that she could meet more gays and get involved.
     My father was another story entirely.  While he didn't disown me or disparage me about what he called my "lifestyle choice," we never talked about it...ever.  When I brought boyfriends over for dinner he ignored them or treated them like they were just my friends and not my boyfriends.  As it was, after a few times of his indifference, I stopped bringing them over.
     Other than that my life was pretty normal.  I went to work, hung out with my friends, all of whom are gay, went on a couple of dates, worked out religiously, was extremely active in gay rights and spent an exorbitant amount of time online blogging and tweeting.
     Yes, my life was predictable and boring.  The thing is, I didn't know that it was.  I lived in blissful ignorance of how stale I was.  I watched my friends fall in love, get married, start families and thought that my time would surely come and I didn't have to change my routine at all.
     I have never been so wrong in my life.  There were so many missed opportunities, missed friendships, missed chances at relationships.  As a result, not only was I blissfully ignorant of how boring my life was, I was also ignorant of life in general.  Which I guess is the only excuse, or explanation, that I can offer for a lot of the mistakes that I made.  It is a common misconception that gays are extremely promiscuous or worldly, that as soon as we "come out" we instantly become knowledgeable of all things "sexually gay", all things worldly, all things business, real estate, political, fashionable or social.  We have to learn things just like everyone else.
     It's just that we tend to look so much more fashionable while we're learning it.
     I was actually still pretty ignorant by the time I met Roman, who was still technically Rachelle at the time.  The good thing is that my ignorance of life in general made me ignorant of how people who were transgender or bigender were "supposed" to be treated and viewed.  There was just something about Roman that called to me, something I responded to, something that made me long for him and fall in love with him.  I have never been so happy to be so ignorant in all of my life.

I GOT A DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES!!  YOU READ THAT RIGHT! I HAVE A DATE!!! (Thank you Lucy/Kat!!!)

Let me back up.

So it's Monday.  The day I drop my sister off at school and rush home.  We were a little late leaving because I started writing D &R and Love's Enslavement and got caught up in the characters.  So anyway, we sort of rushed there (that the gods that I didn't get pulled over!), and I dropped her off in the same place I usually do.  I was just about to pull away when I notice someone leaning on the front of their car looking right at me.

Yes, it was Jack.

Jack sans brother.

I was ecstatic!  Then I looked down at myself and groaned.  I am seriously bumming it today.  Cargo pants, t-shirt, hair straight, shades on my face, flip flops on my feet.  I almost pulled off without stopping to talk.  Almost.  But then I remembered the conversation that I had with my newest little sister and friend Lucy/Kat about WHEN I met up with Jack again, how I should talk to him (THANKS Kat!), so I parked in the Faculty/Staff parking spot (no, I'm not faculty or staff, but what are they going to do?  Sue me?) and got out.

I turned my constant limp into this sort of swag walk and stepped up to him.  He was smiling, I was smiling.  We looked like idiots.

Me:  How long you been sitting out here waiting?
Jack: Does it make me look like a pathetic loser if I say thirty minutes?
Me: (laughs) No.
Jack: What about if I tell the truth and say an hour?
Me: (playful cringe) Woah! Yeah, that would do it.  That extra half hour pushed you into Losertown without stopping at a rest stop at all.

We both laughed (hell, you know you laughed too.  I'm funny as hell, especially when I'm nervous.  I also don't know when to shut up and usually end up sticking my foot in my mouth).

Me: So why were you waiting?  Hoping you could apologize for your brother again?

Cringe. Yes, I know, bad Vee, BAD!

Jack: Nah. (He blushes.  Oh my gosh is he cute when he blushes!) I was kinda hoping to...um...ask you out.
Me: (jaw drops open) Me?  You want to ask me out?
Jack: Well yeah.
Me: (narrows eyes, though he can't see them behind the sunglasses) You do remember that I'm bi-gender right?  The top half is female, but I wear a strap-on.  At least until I get the surgery.

Yeah, I sort of get vomit of the mouth also.

Jack: (laughs) Yeah, you sort of don't forget something like that. (Shrugs) Well, I'm gay, so the whole dick thing doesn't really scare me off.
Me: The breasts and the vagina thing does though right?
Jack: (laughs again) I won't say I'm a fan, but there's something about you.  I think I can get past it.
Me: (I'm screaming for joy internally but oh man has Vic taken over and that suave Italian man comes out)  So where are you taking me?
Jack: (smiles) Where do you want to go?
Me: Well, right now, I'd love to go to a backseat somewhere and see if your dick really looks as big in real life as it does from the outside of your jeans, but I guess that will have to wait.
Jack: (blushes and giggles....yeah, he giggled...still trying to wrap my head around that one) Well, maybe after our date.
Me: Definitely after our date.  So, Beef O' Brady's?  I think that there might be a game coming on Friday night.
Jack: Okay.  You want me to pick you up or you wanna meet there?
Me: Pick me up.

So we exchanged phone numbers and emails and addresses and then this is where I turned just a little bit slutty.

Jack: So I'll see you Friday?
Me: Yeah.
Jack turned to leave and I grabbed his arm, when he turned back to look at me I went up on my toes (because *shiver* he's taller than me) and kissed him.  I had planned on it being just like a peck or a deep closed mouth kiss, you know the kind that makes you want more, but DAMMIT his lips tasted SSOOO good!!!!  We sort of made out a little in the parking lot. (*SQUEAL!*)

Me: So call me?
Jack: Yeah.

I went to walk off and man do I wish that I could still pull off my sexy supermodel glide or something, because the limp just is NOT sexy, but, I got in the car and drove off after honking and waving.  I had o pull over five minutes later, again, but this time because I was bouncing in my seat and swerving on the road.

I GOT A DATE!  I GOT A DATE!  I GOT A DATE!!!

Yes, I'm SOOO planning on getting laid.  Maybe not on the first date (I stopped doing that.....about a year ago), but definitely before I go to New Orleans for the GayRomLit.com retreat.

And all I could think was, "I can't wait to get home so I can blog about this and tell everyone!!  Kat was right!  Woohoo!!!!" Then I started singing the "I Gotta Date" song (LOL).  And then Lady Gaga came on the radio and the song was just so perfect that I HAD to share it.  I swear her new album is like the soundtrack for my year.  So I'm sharing it with you all as I sing along.

Can I Join the Picnic?

I saw these guys and really wanted to write a story about them.  After I drooled over them for a while.  Nice. I just have to stop drooling enough to finish letting the story form.

Some Title.... (Vic Speaks)

I am a writer.  I write.  I create situations and characters and scenarios that are woven together to make a beautiful story, but I can't even BEGIN to think of what to name this post.

Today I had to take my sister to school.  This is my baby sister, the one who just started college, not the one who graduated from college.  So I dropped her off, waited to make sure that she got to her classroom safely and then I went to leave.  I was in full on Vic mode today.  Jeans, T-shirt, I had on my strap-on, my Boston Red Sox baseball cap and my shades.  I was looking pretty damn sexy.  So I went to take off when these two really tall, really sexy guys stepped out in front of the car.  I slammed on brakes and just sort of looked at them in shock.  Didn't they see me driving?  So I put the car in park and got out of the car (I regretted how fast I got out as soon as my feet touched the ground, I'd left my cane on the backseat).

"What the hell?  Didn't you guys see me driving?  I don't discriminate on who I will hit, this isn't a crosswalk, a sidewalk or a pedestrian crossing, it's the parking lot which means if you're walking you have to watch out for cars, jackasses!"  Not my finest moment, but I was shaking a little from fear, having a flashback from 7 years ago when I saw the old man get hit by a car and then run over by a car behind us while Christopher and I were driving.

"Sorry," the shorter of the two guys says.  He looks like a football player, with his thick neck, brown hair, square chin, hugely muscled frame and his big hands.  I know that my strap-on is plastic, but I promise you, I got an erection...like hardcore.  More than that my "gaydar" was going off something fierce.

"It's alright," my voice instantly changed from angry motorist to "smooth Vic."  My voice is naturally husky because I'm a singer in addition to everything else and when I slide into my "Vic" voice, I'm usually looking to score and since it's been over a year since I've been laid, I'm jonesing for some loving....real bad.

The two guys walk towards me and I'm totally checking out the hot football player.  In my head we touch hands, feel the spark, I ask him out on a date, he says yes, we go out to dinner, go back to his place, make out, I fuck him, he fucks me, we fall in love, he's with me when I have my gender reassignment surgery, we move in together, move to New York, I get a job on LOGO Tv (that's a secret dream of mine), we find a surrogate, have us 4-6 kids, write this blog together, and live happily ever after.  So we all are introducing ourselves to each other.  His name is Jackson, goes by Jack, and he introduces his brother, William, who I will from now on refer to as "Dick" and not in a good way, in a 2 inches, slim, can hardly find it, totally disappointing, makes you mad when you see it, kind of way.

So very effortlessly we start talking and I notice that Jack keeps looking at my crotch.  I've gotten this reaction before whenever I wear my strap-on because it's one of those BIG black ones, you know the MONSTER cocks?  LOL.  Because the Italian man inside of me, Vic, has a big ass dick, thick and long.  *Grins*  So after he looks for like the third time, I clear my throat and he looks at me with this really cute blush on his cheeks.

I'm a little worried that you know Jack is younger than me, because I'm almost in my 30s, but he's 34 and he does what I do, he brings his 18 year old brother to and from school.  So I sort of step closer to Jack, just a little, and let my hand brush against his hand and yes, the mental erection I had, just got bigger, because I heard his breath catch.  Apparently so did Dick.

"You know my brother's gay right?" he asks me with this really ugly snarl on his face.  I laugh and said yes.  I notice that Jack is blushing again and he's really so cute.  Even though he's got like two or three inches on me, I want to sit him on my lap...after fucking him into the wall of course (Over a year people....I'm a walking hard-on).

"So why are you hitting on him?" Dick asks me.  I shrug and say, "Because he's hot and I think we'd have a really hot...I mean a really hard...I mean a really fun time together."  I notice that Jack is smiling wider and wider with each "mistake" that I made.

"But he's gay and you're a chick.  He doesn't date chicks," Dick says, looking at me like I'm stupid.

"I believe that Vic is transgendered William," Jack says, looking really embarrassed.  I just grinned, "Well, I'm bi-gendered.  I'm both female and male, not a female born in a male's body or vice versa," I explained, still smiling because oh man I can almost TASTE Jack's sweat.  My thoughts had drifted from the romantic to the erotic.  I was imagining what would happen if he just dropped to his knees in front of me and started to....

"Oh my gosh!  You're some kinda black freak huh?" Dick yelled.

SCREECH!!  Hold up!  Stop the presses.  What the FUCK did this bastard just say about me?

"William!"  That was Jack.

"Listen here asshole."  Yep, that was me, Vic.  "I am not a freak, first of all.  I was born this way, it's acceptable, I am okay with it and if you're not then fuck off.  Secondly, I'm not black you dumb fuck.  My skin may be brown, but I've probably got more WHITE in me than you do, it's just that my family learned to look past race and all that other bullshit to make a beautiful family tree."  By this point my hands are shaking and there are a few people standing around looking at us.  I hadn't realized that I was yelling, but apparently I was.

"I am so sorry.  He's not a homophobe or anything.  I mean he's really accepting of me," Jack is apologizing.  JACK is apologizing for WILLIAM.  How fucked up is that?  All the while William is glaring at me with his arms folded.

"You don't get to apologize for him Jack.  That's not your job.  He should apologize for himself," I say, still shaking in anger and trying to keep "Vee" from making an appearance.  I WANTED to be pissed off.  I didn't want to be compassionate and understanding right then.  I wanted to beat the shit out of this bastard.  I know that I have a temper problem, it's something I'm talking about with my VA assigned therapist, but hell, I don't get mad easily or often, but when I do, it can be a problem.

"I'm not going to apologize to some ugly black bitch that can't decide if she's a man or a woman.  She's probably crazy anyway."  Yep, you guessed it, that was Dick.

By this point some other black students have started to walk forward angry and I know that I have defuse this situation before it gets out of control.  Polk County doesn't get a lot of racially motivated fights or hate crimes, but that racism thing is always just underneath the surface.  So I glared at Dick, gave up on the fantasy of me and Jack together, in love and happy, and said, "So, what I'm hearing you say is that you're upset because I chose your brother over you and you were hoping that I was a girl that was open-minded so you could fuck me and be open to you introducing your best friend to me so that the three of us could have sex together and he could fuck you and you won't technically be gay or even bisexual, you only did it for the girl you were with?  Right?  Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'd be fucking the both of you and when I was done, you'd be gayer than your brother.  Asshole."

I turned and limped my way back into the car, which was thankfully still there, and pulled off.  This time no one stepped out in front of the car.

I was five minutes down the road when I had to pull over because I was shaking and crying too hard.

My looks and the color of my skin have always been a source of contention for me.  In my family I was always the "dark one."  That wasn't said in a nice way either, but in a "we'll forgive you for it" way.  And in the past 27 years, I've had only one person in my life who ever consistently told me I was beautiful, my cousin Val and she died 9 years ago.  Everyone else has maybe told me a total of five times and only when I was skinny, had my hair and nails done, was wearing makeup and dressed up.

I grew up feeling ugly, feeling as if I were too dark, as if I didn't belong in my skin, in my body, in my family and just as I start to embrace and live my truth, here comes this asshole and makes a huge dent in my armor.

I then got pissed off because I was JUST starting to embrace and live my truth and here comes this ASSHOLE and with a few well-placed words he TRIES to make a huge dent in my armor.

I don't think that Dick knew that I keep every email, every message, every comment that is encouraging and uplifting and supportive and once a week, sometimes once a day I copy and paste them into a word document and when I have bad days like today I read them so that I don't let them bother me too much.

So I came home and read the comments, the statements, the encouragement that you all left me.  The emails from Thorny, Sid and Kate.  The comments from Lucy/Kat and Sylvia and LC and Xara and Archie and Brad and Becky and Katharina.  The messages on GR from Matt and Luci and Laura.  And then I pulled out the letters from Christopher and the last letter from my cousin Val.

By the time I was finished I felt so much better, then I felt disappointed because DAMN Jack was fine.  But you know what?  There will be others, but more than that I found out how strong I am.  A few years ago, a statement like that would have sent me spiraling into depression, but today it just lit a fire under me to continue to live MY truth, regardless of who likes it.

{FIST BUMP AND SNUGGLES}
{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES}
Vic

I Just Got Another Couple Married!!!!

Okay so no, gay marriages aren't legal in Florida (BOO for you Sunshine State!), BUT I've become known as the "Alternative Wedding Officiant" around these parts.  There are these two amazing guys that I know Lawrence, 35 and Timothy, 22, who asked me a few months ago the perform their ceremony.

I happily said yes.

I wore this really sexy, turquoise dress, straightened my hair, popped a few painkillers, put on my double-sided tape so my girls wouldn't pop out (that's happened more than once I must say.  It's not easy having DDs and being a size 5, I'm EXTREMELY top heavy-LOL-I love it though!) and got to ride in the car with Timothy, who I'm actually closer with, in spite of the fact that I've known Lawrence longer and actually told him that he needed to stop saying he was too old and just marry Timothy (they've been together for four years).

So I sat in the car snapping shots of myself, while I waited for them to grab my wheelchair so I could go in and get those crazy kids married.  Thought I'd share.

But, in all of my planning, I forgot to make sure that no one could see under my dress! So, I'm glad it was a gay wedding and just about everyone there was involved, because I was flashing the entire room during the entire ceremony. LOL.  And there's your wedding present boys! 


So congrats to Timothy and Lawrence!  Now I just have to get them some kids and I can move them into my success pile. Hahaha!!

I must say that there were some HOT guys there that were gay, I was a little disappointed, until I saw them kissing each other, then it was hot again. LOL.

I hope you all are having a great Sunday and if you can, throw some happy thoughts Lawrence and Timothy's way, those crazy kids are on their way to their honeymoon to San Francisco!! Woo!!!

A Straight Pride Parade?

Seriously, I just had someone send me an invitation for a straight pride parade....

WTF?

I'm going to be honest and admit that I didn't even read the email, it was just so silly to me that I didn't even read it.  I'm not saying that straights shouldn't be proud of the fact that they're straight (Um, hello?  I'm straight...ish.  I mean, I'd be gay for Jennifer Aniston IN A HEARTBEAT and I think two guys together is unbelievably HOT-which is where the "ish" comes from), but I think that people are missing the point of the gay pride parade.  It's about more than couples and individuals showing that they're gay, it's showing support for people to love and live as they want without the religious convictions or ideals of others being forced upon them.  It's about expressing pride in yourself in an era that still wants gays, bisexuals and transgenders to stay in the closet hiding, unless of course they're performing on stage, well then...it's okay.

I liken the gay pride parade to the Civil Rights Movement that blacks and those that supported them, took decades ago during the 1950s and 1960s.  It's a shout, a proclamation of "We're here!  We will love who we want!  We're not going away!  You can't make us!  Give us our rights, our freedoms!  Stop your hatred, your intolerance, your bashing and your soul-killing rhetoric!"  I always smile warmly whenever I hear of a gay pride parade and I've marched in a few, or rather, like this year, rolled in a few with my wheelchair, because it reminds me that we all have the responsibility to fight for equality, regardless of if we agree with it or not.  I remember when I did a paper in college (Bethune Cookman) about the fact that there were some people who fought in the Civil War who didn't believe that blacks were equal with whites as others did, but they didn't believe in slavery (they believed in equality, but didn't agree with the the totality of the fight) and there were those who marched for Civil Rights who didn't believe that blacks had the capacity to learn like whites did, that we would never be as smart as them (Suck my 182 IQ score on that one!  Marilyn Savant scored a 228), but that we still had the right to learn and live as equally as they did.

That's the way I see the gay pride parade, it's a parade that celebrates love and equality for EVERYONE.

So a straight pride parade?  How is that out of the ordinary at all?  Why would that even be needed?  No one is trying to prevent straight couples from being able to marry (although some of them should be...I mean...really), no one is telling straight couples that they weren't born straight or that they're abominations and God doesn't love them because of who they choose to love (which is a bunch of malarky! Do people just not READ the Bible or something?), so why would they need a parade to march in?

It angered me a little when I saw it and I promptly wrote back this person (who is now deleted and blocked from my email address) and told them that they didn't have to approve of who I chose to call friend and who I chose to fight for, but they had to respect my wishes on not sending my anything that I found offensive (this wasn't their first time-I was called a f** hag by this person and told that I'd be chained with the rest of them and burned in hell-probably should have blocked her then).  So maybe someone else, who is a little more understanding can explain to me the whole straight pride parade thing, because I'm just not getting it.