Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I'm Not An Innocent

So over the last few years I've heard that I'm "adorable"....like a lot.

Over the past few months it's become almost like a mantra. That I'm adorable and sweet and cute.

I always blush and splutter when I hear these things, because while everyone sees the man who struggled with his identity and sexuality, the man who once lived in the delusional mindset that he could live his life as a woman to satisfy people that couldn't really care less if he was happy and sane or not, I always see the man who screwed up a lot.

I see the young teenager who was a hardcore drug addict by the time he was thirteen, the one who was an alcoholic by the time he was twelve.

I see the young teenager who was raped, repeatedly over the course of his life, who suffered trauma at the age of 4.

I see the young teenager who lied, stole, got in fights constantly.

I see the young man who turned off his emotions years ago when his fiance died and is only just now turning them back on.

I see the teenager who skipped school, who got high and who had to drink in excess just to make it through the day sometimes.

I see the broken young man who is only now becoming whole again.

I don't think that makes me "adorable" or "sweet." I'm a patchwork human being. Broken, but not destroyed. Pieced together. Fused into one functioning person, with scars displayed quite prominently.

I'm not innocent, I'm me.

So, while I don't begrudge people looking at me and seeing the humble, adorable "young" man (c'mon peeps, shocking as it is, I'm almost 30), who, for some reason, either makes people want to sub for him or protect him, I also don't understand why they don't understand why I look at them crazy when they do so.

Can't they see the wounds? The scars? The gashes? The ones that are slowly healing but aren't completely healed just yet? Should I be offended that they can't or should I keep smiling and saying thank you when they call me adorable?

-Vicktor Aleksandr B.


  1. Oh Vic, you show us the wounds and scars, and let us see the shit you've been through, but that's not gonna change our opinion that you are a wonderful, caring, sweet =P person NOW.

  2. No one can see the person you are inside except you. What I see is a survivor and I see beauty in that. The things you say I see understanding. Do not take offense at me because you describe several lives and each life was worth it as you are worth saying I like you. You are adorable to me and others, just smile and know now we may see some of the scars and we love you for it.

  3. Seeing the scars knowing they are there makes you the person we love today. I see a man who has been through so much in life that it makes him the person he wishes to be.

    I love you regardless of the scars, wounds, and gashes. Reason being is you show me every day with an email or tweet or hell just a post on your blog that you are making it. You survived what life threw at you and you are still going for what you want.

    Scars...are simply the outer covering of the wonderful man you are.
    Wounds....are what all of the family wishes and hope get better
    Gashes...Are what Daniel and you will sew up together slowly over time as are the wounds....but the wounds are also the family's to heal up
    Sweet....is what you are to me because you never tell me that what I feel is wrong.
    Caring...is what I see constantly with every word you write.
    Loving...is what I see when you tweet with Daniel or post one of your letters to him on your blog. It is also something I see when you talk about the family you have now.

    To love you is a wonder and a blessing. It's how I see you. You are such a blessing to me. No matter what you are my big brother.....~Stamps her Little Sister Approval on this message before giving you a big hug~ Love you Big Brother and everyone has there reasons for loving you.

  4. Unless you tell these RL people everything about yourself, they're only going to know or see what you let them. Isn't it nice that your first impression on them is that you're a good person and they like you? (Of course, I've heard that if someone says "bless your heart" they're not being that nice so watch out for that one.)

  5. Thank you all for your sweet comments. Lucy/Kat what you said was really beautiful.

    Patty: You just had to get that "sweet" comment in there didn't you?

    Cinders: Thank you. I really appreciate that and I will try to accept it a little better.

    Thorny: LOL. I've said "bless your heart" to people many times and yeah, it's not really being nice. And yes I'm glad that my first impression makes people like me.

  6. It is wonderful that people can see you as sweet person, Vic. Which means that is the first impression of you - it ain't all that bad, is it? Sometimes (some) people might know more and deduce more but it won't be too polite of them to ask you or tell you things, would it?

    But it is wonderful that there are people in your life (I don't say RL because for me, blog is VERY real - I don't hide behind anonymity) who love you for what you are and what you have become. This reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite books Shades of Gray by Brooke McKinley::
    "It's like this old patchwork quilt my momma used to have...Each piece on that quilt meant something. And some of those pieces were the damn ugliest things you've ever seen...But some of the pieces were so beautiful they almost hurt my eyes to look at when I was a kid...That's the best you can hope for, Danny. That your life turns out like that patchwork quilt. That you can add some bright, sparkling pieces to the dirty, stained ones you have so far. That in the end, the bright patches might take up more space on your quilt than the dark ones."

  7. Wow Brahmin...

    I am so glad that you put up that quote from that book. That's amazing. Thank you for sharing.

    And yeah, you're right, it is a good thing.

  8. I am so glad that you liked it :) If you get a chance, please do read it - makes a very good point that life is not all black and white - there are SO many shades of gray... XX

  9. I do believe I’ve fallen into the trap of calling you sweet and or adorable but in reality it wasn’t a trap at all. I’ve known. I’ve always known. I can see it by the way you act, the way you say things, the way you interact with friends, one damaged soul can always recognize another. Others on Twitter I haven’t said anything because I know they’re not ready to share with me.

    So know when I say something Vic I mean it. I’ve always meant it.

    Besides I declared you mine remember? So what I say goes.

    You are adorable.

    And you owe garlic mashed potatoes and a smoothie.

    So there.


Want to pet The Vic?