So in light of me living my truth and seeing myself as Vic today and in light of me meeting so many people that are helping me in this process of transitioning and stuff I've decided to change my blog name and the blog address.
It's gone from: http://veronicavictorian.blogspot.com & The Passionate Caresses of Veronica Victorian
To: http://imstillvic.blogspot.com & Call Me Vic
So that's the new information. Just so you're aware!
{Hugz and Squeezes and Fist Bumps}
Vic
I'm not normal, I love being different, and it's one of the sexiest things about me...next to my creative brain and "Lil' Big Vic".
No H8
Friday, November 4, 2011
Seeing Vic
Every morning I meditate.
I wake up, wipe my face, and if I've had a really good dream, I wipe the drool from my chin, and then I sit up. I usually take a few breaths and try to place myself.
Where am I? Who is with me?
After I've placed myself I get up and open the blinds so that I can meditate.
Meditating is something that my therapists and doctors suggested that I do in order to center and ground myself, to calm my mind and to prepare myself for the day. Usually I play some music. Enya or something. The past two days I haven't played any music and this morning I am so happy that I didn't. It would have ruined the amazing thing that happened.
When I meditate I'm pushing out all of the bad thoughts, the echoes of my "biological connections" that are telling me that I'm ugly or that I'm an abomination, that "the devil" is going to "tear me apart," and any other bad words or things that happened to me. When I meditate I'm thinking about all the good things about me, I think about the positive things that have been said to me, I think about the people who love me and support me.
Towards the end of my meditation my therapist, Dr. Z, told me to picture myself. He said as I grow more comfortable with myself, as I accept myself more then my image will become clearer and less hazy and disjointed and warped.
Yesterday, I was a hazy mixture of Veronica and Vicktor. I felt like the Phantom or Two-Face from the Batman comics. And while yesterday was a good day, I still felt...off.
Today, however, as I finished my meditation I saw my hair as it is now, cut to just below my chin, dyed black, I saw my eyebrows a little bushier, but still sculpted (b/c I'm not a fucking animal people-LOL), I saw my eyes, behind my stylish glasses. I saw my nose, then I saw my lips, surrounded by a very nicely sculpted black goatee. I saw my masculine chin, I saw my chest, muscled, my arms muscled, I saw my firm pecs, I saw my abs and as I pulled away from the image of myself, I saw me. I saw Vic. In all of my masculine glory, in my meditation pose.
I saw a man, clear and smiling.
I felt at peace, I felt support and love surrounding me. And it made me want to cry. And it made me feel amazing and I thought of all of you who are always supporting me and encouraging me. And I wanted to let you know that this morning? I saw Vic. I embraced him and realized that that is who I am. I exalted in that image of me. I now know what I should have looked like had biology and gender synced up properly. I celebrated myself. And I shared it with my adopted big sister who so graciously took me in and she cheered with me.
Today is a mahvelous day, because today I saw myself and myself is gorgeous.
I wake up, wipe my face, and if I've had a really good dream, I wipe the drool from my chin, and then I sit up. I usually take a few breaths and try to place myself.
Where am I? Who is with me?
After I've placed myself I get up and open the blinds so that I can meditate.
Meditating is something that my therapists and doctors suggested that I do in order to center and ground myself, to calm my mind and to prepare myself for the day. Usually I play some music. Enya or something. The past two days I haven't played any music and this morning I am so happy that I didn't. It would have ruined the amazing thing that happened.
When I meditate I'm pushing out all of the bad thoughts, the echoes of my "biological connections" that are telling me that I'm ugly or that I'm an abomination, that "the devil" is going to "tear me apart," and any other bad words or things that happened to me. When I meditate I'm thinking about all the good things about me, I think about the positive things that have been said to me, I think about the people who love me and support me.
Towards the end of my meditation my therapist, Dr. Z, told me to picture myself. He said as I grow more comfortable with myself, as I accept myself more then my image will become clearer and less hazy and disjointed and warped.
Yesterday, I was a hazy mixture of Veronica and Vicktor. I felt like the Phantom or Two-Face from the Batman comics. And while yesterday was a good day, I still felt...off.
Today, however, as I finished my meditation I saw my hair as it is now, cut to just below my chin, dyed black, I saw my eyebrows a little bushier, but still sculpted (b/c I'm not a fucking animal people-LOL), I saw my eyes, behind my stylish glasses. I saw my nose, then I saw my lips, surrounded by a very nicely sculpted black goatee. I saw my masculine chin, I saw my chest, muscled, my arms muscled, I saw my firm pecs, I saw my abs and as I pulled away from the image of myself, I saw me. I saw Vic. In all of my masculine glory, in my meditation pose.
I saw a man, clear and smiling.
I felt at peace, I felt support and love surrounding me. And it made me want to cry. And it made me feel amazing and I thought of all of you who are always supporting me and encouraging me. And I wanted to let you know that this morning? I saw Vic. I embraced him and realized that that is who I am. I exalted in that image of me. I now know what I should have looked like had biology and gender synced up properly. I celebrated myself. And I shared it with my adopted big sister who so graciously took me in and she cheered with me.
Today is a mahvelous day, because today I saw myself and myself is gorgeous.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Chicks & Dicks
I was asked to be a guest blogger for Anne Tenino and Taylor Donovan's new blog: Chicks & Dicks. I shared some fond memories and some not so fond memories and also gave some wisdom. I think you all should go check it out and also start following their blog. You won't regret it.
Here's the link:
Chicks & Dicks
Here's the link:
Chicks & Dicks
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
New York Here I Come!!
In approximately 11.5 hours I will be on a plane headed towards Buffalo, New York!
I am UBER excited to be starting a new chapter in my life. Excited to be moving to a place where I'll be supported and happy to know that I won't have to be something that I'm not.
It's very liberating.
And exciting.
And I should be asleep but my phone is dead (I threw it while reading a book on my Kindle app) which means that I don't have an alarm, which means that I will be staying awake until I get on the plane and then crashing as soon as I get to my friend's place.
Still excited about the whole thing though.
I am UBER excited to be starting a new chapter in my life. Excited to be moving to a place where I'll be supported and happy to know that I won't have to be something that I'm not.
It's very liberating.
And exciting.
And I should be asleep but my phone is dead (I threw it while reading a book on my Kindle app) which means that I don't have an alarm, which means that I will be staying awake until I get on the plane and then crashing as soon as I get to my friend's place.
Still excited about the whole thing though.
Monday, October 31, 2011
The Virgin Special Forces
*I decided to share this on both of my blogs because I'm sort of excited about it now.
I am shaking my fist at Matt and Brad mentally as I write this.*
So, everyone knows that I used to be in the Army. (What do you mean you didn't know? It's a well known fact!)
And at some point I was a virgin (Although it was so long ago that I'm beginning to doubt it ever truly existed).
So when my "little brothers" Matt and Brad (of the 2 Boys in Love blog) put up a post about "losing" their virginity I was equal parts intrigued and slightly "cringey" (yes cringey is a word...I'm making it one), because you know, they're like my little brothers. LOL.
Anyway, so when I went to read their post today and then saw the words: Virgin Special Forces, my mind, through no further enticement, jumped on the title AND the idea and I saw a group of guys, ten maybe, who are all in the military together, five of which are gay virgins, who are deployed to Iraq and how those five guys lose their virginity.
Sounds interesting huh?
I think so too (Damn you Matt and Brad for giving me MORE inspiration to write).
So rather than spending my day watching horror movies all day (*sigh* Halloween). I will be drafting up the books for The VSF Series, which I of course will have to dedicate to JayHJay and Matt and Brad.
And so you can see how quickly my brain works with these things, here's the first part of book one's chapter one. Called, The Alpha Team:
"I'm losing my virginity to him before this week is over or I'm going to throw myself in front of the next suicide bomber and just be done with the whole thing," Luke pouted before throwing himself onto his cot in frustration. He heard the other members of his platoon laugh and huffed in frustration before rolling over to stare up at the ceiling.
"Still pining away for the Sergeant, huh O'Malley?" Luke's best friend Traven Anderson snickered from the cot next to his. Turning his head to look at Traven, Luke gave into his childish urge and stuck out his tongue.
"Hey O'Malley. Try not to go waving that thing around unless you plan on using it," Francis Trout, their platoon leader grinned from the floor where he lay doing one-handed push ups.
Show off, Luke thought to himself, before turning his attention back to Traven. "You don't understand," he whined, feeling his cock thicken at the thought of their Commanding Officer, First Sergeant Connor Wilkins. The man was a walking wet dream. Standing at six foot six, his black hair cut in a buzz cut, his blue eyes dark as twilight, his body broad and hugely muscled and his voice...
Luke shivered with uncontrollable desire. "He is the sexiest man alive and he has no idea that he is. I just want to lick him from head to toe and then bend over and ask him to ride me hard and fast," Luke confided in his best friend moments before he heard the loud bellow of the man in question, calling for bunk inspection and he leaped to his feet and brought his body to attention, immediately.
His eyes drank in the sight of First Sergeant Wilkins as the man strode down the line looking over everyone's bunks as he passed. This was their last bunk inspection before they were deployed to Iraq on Sunday and he didn't want to fail this one like he'd failed all of the others. He glanced surreptitiously at First Sergeant Wilkins from the corner of his eyes as the man stepped closer to him, his gaze taking in his ever movement. He watched as the larger man stopped in front of him, standing close to him as he looked at his bunk before glancing down at him sternly.
"It's about damn time O'Malley. You finally learned how to pass a bunk inspection," he stated, his voice low and next to Luke's ear.
"I wanted to make sure I showed you that I know how to handle a bunk, sir," Luke replied breathlessly, holding his First Sergeant's gaze steadily, even though his heart pounded in his chest. He watched as First Sergeant Wilkins's eyes darkened with desire before clearing as if someone had placed a wall in front of them. He held onto his barely controlled desire with two clenched fists as he watched his CO finish the inspections before declaring that everyone passed and striding out without another word...and without glancing in his direction again.
As soon as the door closed behind him, Luke sank to his bed, his body trembling.
"Oh my god," he breathed.
"Damn O'Malley. I thought you and First Sergeant Wilkins were about to start fucking like animals right in front of us," Phillip Roan, another member of the unofficially named "Virgin Special Forces," stated with a grin.
Luke smiled back at Phillip, who hi-fived his twin brother Peter, and collapsed backwards onto his bed again. "By the end of this week, I swear I'm losing my virginity to him," he declared.
~~**~~ ~~**~~
Leaning against the wall outside of the barracks, Connor Wilkins grinned wolfishly. So Luke O'Malley wanted to lose his virginity huh? Well, Connor would give him what he wanted, and maybe a little more than he bargained for as well.
So there you go. The Virgin Special Forces has been started in my mind and I can already tell that I'm going to enjoy writing Connor and Luke's story.
Happy Reading and Happy Halloween!!
{HUGZ, SQUEEZES, FIST BUMPS AND SALUTES!}
Vic
I am shaking my fist at Matt and Brad mentally as I write this.*
So, everyone knows that I used to be in the Army. (What do you mean you didn't know? It's a well known fact!)
And at some point I was a virgin (Although it was so long ago that I'm beginning to doubt it ever truly existed).
So when my "little brothers" Matt and Brad (of the 2 Boys in Love blog) put up a post about "losing" their virginity I was equal parts intrigued and slightly "cringey" (yes cringey is a word...I'm making it one), because you know, they're like my little brothers. LOL.
Anyway, so when I went to read their post today and then saw the words: Virgin Special Forces, my mind, through no further enticement, jumped on the title AND the idea and I saw a group of guys, ten maybe, who are all in the military together, five of which are gay virgins, who are deployed to Iraq and how those five guys lose their virginity.
Sounds interesting huh?
I think so too (Damn you Matt and Brad for giving me MORE inspiration to write).
So rather than spending my day watching horror movies all day (*sigh* Halloween). I will be drafting up the books for The VSF Series, which I of course will have to dedicate to JayHJay and Matt and Brad.
And so you can see how quickly my brain works with these things, here's the first part of book one's chapter one. Called, The Alpha Team:
"I'm losing my virginity to him before this week is over or I'm going to throw myself in front of the next suicide bomber and just be done with the whole thing," Luke pouted before throwing himself onto his cot in frustration. He heard the other members of his platoon laugh and huffed in frustration before rolling over to stare up at the ceiling.
"Still pining away for the Sergeant, huh O'Malley?" Luke's best friend Traven Anderson snickered from the cot next to his. Turning his head to look at Traven, Luke gave into his childish urge and stuck out his tongue.
"Hey O'Malley. Try not to go waving that thing around unless you plan on using it," Francis Trout, their platoon leader grinned from the floor where he lay doing one-handed push ups.
Show off, Luke thought to himself, before turning his attention back to Traven. "You don't understand," he whined, feeling his cock thicken at the thought of their Commanding Officer, First Sergeant Connor Wilkins. The man was a walking wet dream. Standing at six foot six, his black hair cut in a buzz cut, his blue eyes dark as twilight, his body broad and hugely muscled and his voice...
Luke shivered with uncontrollable desire. "He is the sexiest man alive and he has no idea that he is. I just want to lick him from head to toe and then bend over and ask him to ride me hard and fast," Luke confided in his best friend moments before he heard the loud bellow of the man in question, calling for bunk inspection and he leaped to his feet and brought his body to attention, immediately.
His eyes drank in the sight of First Sergeant Wilkins as the man strode down the line looking over everyone's bunks as he passed. This was their last bunk inspection before they were deployed to Iraq on Sunday and he didn't want to fail this one like he'd failed all of the others. He glanced surreptitiously at First Sergeant Wilkins from the corner of his eyes as the man stepped closer to him, his gaze taking in his ever movement. He watched as the larger man stopped in front of him, standing close to him as he looked at his bunk before glancing down at him sternly.
"It's about damn time O'Malley. You finally learned how to pass a bunk inspection," he stated, his voice low and next to Luke's ear.
"I wanted to make sure I showed you that I know how to handle a bunk, sir," Luke replied breathlessly, holding his First Sergeant's gaze steadily, even though his heart pounded in his chest. He watched as First Sergeant Wilkins's eyes darkened with desire before clearing as if someone had placed a wall in front of them. He held onto his barely controlled desire with two clenched fists as he watched his CO finish the inspections before declaring that everyone passed and striding out without another word...and without glancing in his direction again.
As soon as the door closed behind him, Luke sank to his bed, his body trembling.
"Oh my god," he breathed.
"Damn O'Malley. I thought you and First Sergeant Wilkins were about to start fucking like animals right in front of us," Phillip Roan, another member of the unofficially named "Virgin Special Forces," stated with a grin.
Luke smiled back at Phillip, who hi-fived his twin brother Peter, and collapsed backwards onto his bed again. "By the end of this week, I swear I'm losing my virginity to him," he declared.
~~**~~ ~~**~~
Leaning against the wall outside of the barracks, Connor Wilkins grinned wolfishly. So Luke O'Malley wanted to lose his virginity huh? Well, Connor would give him what he wanted, and maybe a little more than he bargained for as well.
So there you go. The Virgin Special Forces has been started in my mind and I can already tell that I'm going to enjoy writing Connor and Luke's story.
Happy Reading and Happy Halloween!!
{HUGZ, SQUEEZES, FIST BUMPS AND SALUTES!}
Vic
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Scare Vic Day One Outcome
So as I told you all yesterday, my friends have been trying for years to scare me. They are never successful and really I like for my friends to succeed but in this? I must admit that I love the fact that I get to laugh every November 1st when I send them this email:
ANOTHER HALLOWEEN HAS COME AND GONE AND I AM STILL UNSCARED.
DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP TOO MUCH OVER IT, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M MUCH TOO AWESOME FOR YOU.
LOL. I know, I'm a stinker.
Anyway, last night was a "Halloween" marathon. Every year we start off with "Halloween". You'd think by now they'd give up on that every working but....alas, my friends believe that one year they will be successful.
Schmucks.
So, of course, last night was a bust. I laughed and pointed out why those movies make me roll my eyes. I screamed along with the victims and did a lot of "OH!!!"s when Michael Myers killed someone. Then I made the mistake of going on Facebook and talking about it. Before I knew it TJ Klune, Piper Vaughn, Blake Venez, and others were throwing out scary movie ideas and my friends, who were reading over my shoulders, jumped on their computers and smartphones to find the movies mentioned.
So, right now we're watching: Mimic 2, which is SOO NOT a scary movie. But on the list for tonight? They're talking about Zombieland, Session 9, Nightmare on Elm Street (the original), Vacancy, and some "special" movie that they won't tell me about.
I am reserving judgement on whether or not I'll be scared, but honestly I am the person who yells at the characters: "Why don't you leave?!" "God they are so stupid!!" "And now you're going to die..." and if these movies are anything like Mimic 2 I'll be doing more yelling than being scared.
And the pizza's here, so I'm going to go and focus back on these movies.
Do you all have any scary movies that you think might scare me? Just so you know I haven't been scared in 17 years and the last time I was I believe it was Nightmare on Elm Street that did it. Texas Chainsaw Massacre doesn't scare me, just makes me cringe. The Exorcist, The Last Exorcism, The Exorcism of Emily Rose don't scare me, they just make me shake my head and the first two make me laugh. Paranormal Activity 1 & 2 make me shake my head at how ridiculous I find them and I spend the whole time scaring those watching the movie with me, rather than being scared myself.
So if you think you know of a movie that might scare me, I encourage you to share it. And I even have a code for a free book from Total E-Bound (I believe that's who it's from. I have to go back and check) for the person who suggests the movie that scares me.
Happy Scaring and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
{HUGZ, SQUEEZES, FIST BUMPS, GHOSTS, GHOULS, GOBLINS AND...COCKROACHES?}
Vic
ANOTHER HALLOWEEN HAS COME AND GONE AND I AM STILL UNSCARED.
DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP TOO MUCH OVER IT, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M MUCH TOO AWESOME FOR YOU.
LOL. I know, I'm a stinker.
Anyway, last night was a "Halloween" marathon. Every year we start off with "Halloween". You'd think by now they'd give up on that every working but....alas, my friends believe that one year they will be successful.
Schmucks.
So, of course, last night was a bust. I laughed and pointed out why those movies make me roll my eyes. I screamed along with the victims and did a lot of "OH!!!"s when Michael Myers killed someone. Then I made the mistake of going on Facebook and talking about it. Before I knew it TJ Klune, Piper Vaughn, Blake Venez, and others were throwing out scary movie ideas and my friends, who were reading over my shoulders, jumped on their computers and smartphones to find the movies mentioned.
So, right now we're watching: Mimic 2, which is SOO NOT a scary movie. But on the list for tonight? They're talking about Zombieland, Session 9, Nightmare on Elm Street (the original), Vacancy, and some "special" movie that they won't tell me about.
I am reserving judgement on whether or not I'll be scared, but honestly I am the person who yells at the characters: "Why don't you leave?!" "God they are so stupid!!" "And now you're going to die..." and if these movies are anything like Mimic 2 I'll be doing more yelling than being scared.
And the pizza's here, so I'm going to go and focus back on these movies.
Do you all have any scary movies that you think might scare me? Just so you know I haven't been scared in 17 years and the last time I was I believe it was Nightmare on Elm Street that did it. Texas Chainsaw Massacre doesn't scare me, just makes me cringe. The Exorcist, The Last Exorcism, The Exorcism of Emily Rose don't scare me, they just make me shake my head and the first two make me laugh. Paranormal Activity 1 & 2 make me shake my head at how ridiculous I find them and I spend the whole time scaring those watching the movie with me, rather than being scared myself.
So if you think you know of a movie that might scare me, I encourage you to share it. And I even have a code for a free book from Total E-Bound (I believe that's who it's from. I have to go back and check) for the person who suggests the movie that scares me.
Happy Scaring and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
{HUGZ, SQUEEZES, FIST BUMPS, GHOSTS, GHOULS, GOBLINS AND...COCKROACHES?}
Vic
Saturday, October 29, 2011
What's Your Favorite Scary Movie?
I LOVE watching scary movies.
It's a fact and if we ever hang out, you can bet your pretty ass that I'm going to suggest that we watch a scary movie.
Not because I like to be scared, but because I like to scare other people and laugh at the movies.
Because these movies don't scare me.
They try, gods know that they do, but they always fall short. Paranormal Activity? Laughed. Paranormal Activity 2? Laughed Harder. Drag Me to Hell? Walked out because I thought it was stupid.
The last time I watched a movie that scared me? I was 10 and I believe the movie was either Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th or Halloween IV. Can't remember which movie it was. I haven't been scared by a movie since.
Now every year around Halloween it has become a game between my friends and I to spend the weekend of Halloween watching every scary movie that we can find in order to find one that's going to scare me. We don't go to costume parties because, well, we went to Halloween Horror Nights and realized that Halloween is the best time to kill someone and get away with it. So we've been staying inside watching movies where people get killed instead. It makes sense if you don't think about it. And yes, we're all a trifle paranoid about that, but most of us are military vets, or law enforcement, or students, or parents, so we're all the paranoid people. We've been doing it for the last five years.
We haven't found a movie yet.
So I thought it would be fun to see what you guys's favorite scary movie is. Maybe there's one that I haven't seen that will actually scare me, because I'm looking for a really good scare.
Or a really good laugh.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
{HUGZ, SQUEEZES, FIST BUMPS, GHOSTS, GHOULS, GOBLINS, AND A BIG SCARE}
Vic
It's a fact and if we ever hang out, you can bet your pretty ass that I'm going to suggest that we watch a scary movie.
Not because I like to be scared, but because I like to scare other people and laugh at the movies.
Because these movies don't scare me.
They try, gods know that they do, but they always fall short. Paranormal Activity? Laughed. Paranormal Activity 2? Laughed Harder. Drag Me to Hell? Walked out because I thought it was stupid.
The last time I watched a movie that scared me? I was 10 and I believe the movie was either Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th or Halloween IV. Can't remember which movie it was. I haven't been scared by a movie since.
Now every year around Halloween it has become a game between my friends and I to spend the weekend of Halloween watching every scary movie that we can find in order to find one that's going to scare me. We don't go to costume parties because, well, we went to Halloween Horror Nights and realized that Halloween is the best time to kill someone and get away with it. So we've been staying inside watching movies where people get killed instead. It makes sense if you don't think about it. And yes, we're all a trifle paranoid about that, but most of us are military vets, or law enforcement, or students, or parents, so we're all the paranoid people. We've been doing it for the last five years.
We haven't found a movie yet.
So I thought it would be fun to see what you guys's favorite scary movie is. Maybe there's one that I haven't seen that will actually scare me, because I'm looking for a really good scare.
Or a really good laugh.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
{HUGZ, SQUEEZES, FIST BUMPS, GHOSTS, GHOULS, GOBLINS, AND A BIG SCARE}
Vic
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