Thursday, December 29, 2011

On The Verge of a Burnout

I can always tell when I'm about to crash for about 18 hours.

I can usually go on 4-6 hours every night for months and be totally fine.

But as I get closer and closer to that inevitable moment when my body tells me that it's effing tired and it wants some real sleep, I get crankier.

I get headaches. I can't focus. And everyone starts to piss me off.


Children. Friends. Family.

But I'm so good about not letting people know when they're annoying me that no one ever knows this about me...until now of course.

But I become so tired, so physically drained and I'm like a baby, totally fighting this long ass sleep that I know is inevitable, that I'm just testy.

I'm testy, possessive, jealous, easily annoyed and easily the most sensitive person in the world.

Just like a baby.

When I'm about to crash I want my blue blanket that was given to me by a friend of my birth mother, one of the only people who used to always tell me that if I needed to get away that I should. I want my teddy bear, my pillow and I want to be left alone.

So I know that I'm on the verge of a burnout. The dull, throbbing headache has already started. And yeah, I know that I should probably just sleep now and get the 8 hours or whatever now, but it doesn't work like that, because I stay up late to have my alone time. I stay up late so that I can write or draw or meditate or read or do whatever, when the rest of the house, the building, the city is sleeping. It's the time when the fiance is asleep or about to wake up, when the Nieceling is asleep and so is the big sister. The hours of 10pm-4am are my six hours of uninterrupted work/reading/Vic time.

I don't want to lose that. I need that time otherwise I will lose it.

I'm a loner both by nature and by circumstance. I know that I seem very friendly, outgoing, personable...and for the most part I am, but there are two sides to this Vic coin and one side of that is "go away, leave me alone and let me reconnect with me."

So those six hours are precious to me.

And I know that when Daniel and I get married and are living together that those hours may get cut down a bit and for the most part, I'm fine with that...but it's also one of the reasons why I am trying to stock up on "Vic time" right now.

So knowing that I'm on the verge of a burnout has done nothing but make me more determined to get as much done as possible. I'm pushing harder in my writing, in trying to get stuff done. Working on my website ( I am trying very hard to not yell out and tell everyone to just leave me alone so I can get shit done before I have my major burnout.

Because contrary to what has been said about me recently. I am a nice person.

So I'm letting you all know that the burnout is coming. That moment when my body just stops and says "Aye, yo, Vic. We're all going on vacation so...yeah, you might as well sleep."

It's very close. Very, very close. And when it happens you won't hear from me for a while.

Because I'll be too busy sleeping.

But once I get my sleep and I've rested and am rejuvenated?

I'll be back. And we'll start this whole lovely cycle again.

1 comment:

  1. AH dear will be will be all the better for it!


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