Monday, December 26, 2011

Self-Preservation: Running Away to Hide

I'm going into hiding.


It's a matter of self-preservation.

As fucked up as it sounds, too much good stuff has happened to me.

I've got three moms, nine sisters, three aunts, five brothers, two cousins, an awesome Nieceling, nephrews and a dad.

All of whom support and encourage me. All of whom love me.


Then there's Daniel, the fiance'.

A man who only sees me. He only sees Vic and it's refreshing and amazing and every time I think of him or talk to him, I can't stop smiling. He loves me and supports me, makes me laugh, and is one of the biggest reasons why I keep pushing forward, keep breathing, and why I've started singing again.

And then there's my writing.

Many of you were here when I started writing Unthinkable. You pestered me about writing more, you encouraged me, you asked me about the characters, you pointed out things to me. Thorny was the one who told me that I should make writing my new career and while his presence in the book was not widely appreciated by all, when someone saves your life twice, you thank them, very publicly. Suzi, who was determined to have me keep writing until the book was finished and equally determined for me to write Tommy's story, gave me the push that I needed to keep going. Kat, Luci, Lucy/Kat, CJ, Matt, Brad and Becky who were always my cheerleaders in the background were, a lot of times, my audience.

So when I decided to self-pub Unthinkable, I did it for you all. Then people started buying it. Then people started buying Inconceivable, and this thing, this impossible dream that I'd had for myself, this goal that you all told me to reach for, was right there. I was a writer. I was an author, and I absolutely couldn't believe it.

Then I started meeting other authors and then on Goodreads I started getting "fans" and then more and more people were adding my book to their TBR list. Then one of my big sisters, Cherie, told me about my book going up on ARe (All Romance Ebooks) and I did and within 24 hours, I'd sold more than I had any other time. Then days went by and I saw that Unthinkable and Inconceivable were shooting up into the hundreds and all of this time I'm writing A Very Tate Christmas, sort of secretly, because I wanted to surprise all of you. And that's when I got the IM from Daniel:

":O Your book Unthinkable is #9 on the ARe Bestseller list."

To be honest, I thought maybe he was reading it wrong. I was already shocked that it had gotten bestseller status in certain genres but he was making it seem as if it was the main list. I mentioned it to Cherie, who wisely went to look it up, knowing that I wouldn't do it. When she told me it was true, I was expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell me that I'd been "Punk'd" by the very people that were hating on me just months ago.

But Ashton never appeared and my big sis Tay-Tay told me to enjoy my way to the top.

I thought that she was just being her usual loving, big sister self. Because my big sisters are awesome and they love their "baby bro," and I thought she was just being encouraging.

Cherie told me that my book would keep rising.

In my head I thought she was full of shit.

Why were people buying my stuff? This story that I'd written for my online blog friends and online blog family. Why were they interested in these shape shifting cowboys and their mates? I was floored and so overwhelmed that I went to bed before 4am this morning and still woke up at 8.

I only do that when I'm sick or I'm crashing.

So when I woke up and saw a "Wow. Congratz Vic! "Unthinkable" is now #5 on the ARe Bestseller List." I knew then that I needed to go into hiding. Not from writing, but to get my head around the fact that people actually want to read my stuff. That they want to actually buy my stuff and read it.

These same people turn around and buy Inconceivable and find me on GR, Facebook, Twitter, email me and tell me how much they liked or loved my books. And I am floored. I am shocked, amazed and so overwhelmed with gratitude and amazement that I have to go hide myself somewhere, be alone and wrap my head around the fact that good things are happening to me.

That good things keep happening to me.

That I didn't come out and then my world was destroyed.

But that I came out. Admitted the truth that I'd been fighting since I was a kid. Stood up for me, something I don't think I've ever done. Told those in my life to (in the words of Mary J. Blige) "Take me as I am or have nothing at all." I moved. I left the comfort and safety of conforming, of denying and repressing, and I stepped out into the light of truth and acceptance and support  and encouragement and oh-my-gosh-is-this-happiness and found out how beautiful it is.

I began healing. I kept writing. I gained more friends, more family, found the love of my life, my soul's mate and kept writing. And wow, people keep buying.

I am amazed. I am overwhelmed. I am so unbelievably grateful. You all who have stuck with me through it all. You all that have joined "The Vickster" maybe a little later on down the tracks but you're on this ride, holding on just as tight as those who were here at the beginning. Even those of you who threw rocks and paint and bombs, grenades, shot bullets at "The Vickster" and never apologized when you saw that your assault was in an area that had already been assaulted or even those of you who assaulted "The Vickster" and continue to keep assaulting "The Vickster," I am thankful to all of you. Because of you, I'm here. I'm stronger. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

So, yes, as a matter of self-preservation so I don't "self-sabotage" myself, as I've been known to do when good things start happening, I'm going to go and hide in my Purple Fantasy Den and regroup and then come out (LOL-or rather return) and still be myself.

And keep writing.

So thank you all. Your support is invaluable to me.


Vicktor Aleksandr B.


  1. Merry Christmas, and Happy Life to you Vic, you deserve every good thing that is happening.
    So go to the Purple Fantasy Den, regroup, and come out roaring. LOL
    Hugs to you!
    You are always in my thoughts, even when I'm not posting. <3

  2. Take your time! The good things are even harder to wrap your head around than the bad things..
    But know - we'll be waiting for you. :)


  3. Congratulations on your first success(es)! May there be many more!

  4. *hugs* Good things happen to those who deserve it, and after all you've been through, you really deserve some happiness. =P

  5. I was being loving, yes, but I meant what I said. It's happening for you, toots. Enjoy the heck out of it *hugs*

  6. Congrats!! You so deserve the success and everything good that happens to you! You're a wonderful person, a great writer and all around awesome :)
    Enjoy your success, take our time to adjust to everything and then come back stronger and better than ever! We will wait for you and support you and love you :)
    {{hugs}} little brother, love you :)

  7. Thank you all so much for your words of support and encouragement. I so appreciate it. I already feel a lot better (I allowed myself to have a slight spaz-freak out) than I did this morning. I really appreciate you all being there to support me.

  8. Congrats, Vic!!!
    I'm still not through your first book, but what I've read, I'm loving like crazy!!! Thank you for writing this great story!!!
    Enjoy every moment of your success and if we have any say in it, this success will continue your whole life :) You're that awesome *hugs*

  9. Firstly - congratulations, you so deserve all the good things that are happening in your life right now.

    Secondly - Sometimes the hardest part of having something go right is believing that it is actually happening to you without wondering when someone is going to pull the rug out from under you. Your supporters will totally accept that you need the time and space to get your head round things and I am sure we will all wait to celebrate your successes with you when you are ready (oh and yes, we'll all be pleased you keep writing too!!)

  10. You do what works, Vic. For you and Daniel and your writing. The rest of us will be around whenever you decide you're ready. And congratulations on the success - I hope the realization that you deserve the good stuff is quick to come. Take care of yourself and each other.

  11. Kerstin, Kate and Kaje:

    Thank you so much for your encouragement. I so appreciate it. I took the day off from writing like I normally do and from really being online and allowed myself to have a freak-out and it did help.

    It's hard when you've become accustomed to the bad shit happening that when the good shit happens it sends you into a maelstrom of emotions.

    Thanks for your encouragement.

  12. You're here for a reason, Vic, and I'm proud to be in your book. I'll just cuddle in and rest here while you write. {snuggles and purrs}

  13. Just like the other comments. You deserve your happiness. Your a positive person with a positive heart and outlook. I'm very happy that all these wonderful things are happening and that you appreciate them.

    I bought your pick online yesterday and I enjoyed it. Like you, I'm a big fan of happy ever after!

    Thanks for sharing your imagination with us, and I hope you, your family, and loved ones the best this upcoming New Year.

  14. 2012 is YOUR year!! Light it up Vic! Light. It. Up!!

  15. Yay!! I was traveling and just now catching up on the blog. That is soooo cool Vic! But then I had no doubt. You are a great writer and we will support you always.


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