Seafood, Nutella and Vic

I feel sort of responsible for Vic being sick right now.

Last night I decided to treat him out for seafood. Vic, being Vic, brought pen, paper, his cellphone and my iPad "just in case." We had a fun time talking and getting to know each other even more than we already do. I had the Surf "n Turf. Vic had the Ultimate Seafood Platter. If I had been thinking I would have warned him against that plate. I didn't though and he ate the whole thing. We came home and made love and then collapsed into sleep. Or atleast I did. Vic said he stayed up chatting and emailing, reading and writing. Which is normal. But this morning he wasn't his normal "bubbly twink" self, I thought it was about his post so I told him to tell everyone why we weren't going to be staying together after the end of the year, but that wasn't it. When I left he was laying on the couch emailing without a smile on his face.

When he sent me a text message at lunch asking me if I'd let him "paint" parts of me in Nutella I must admit I was shocked. Vic doesn't like Nutella, I'd put some on my biceps a few days ago and he wouldn't lick it off, and even though he'd teased about putting it in other areas I knew he wasn't serious. So when I came home for lunch he told me it had been suggested that he lick it off of my body. I was all for that.

So we got out the Nutella (I love the stuff) and Vic put down towels on the floor and had me lay on them. He called me his canvas and started to "paint" me. Then he started licking it off of me. He was moaning and smiling so I figured that I had done it, that he was loving Nutella finally, until he lifted his head, covered his mouth and crawled quickly towards the bathroom. When I heard him throwing up I felt bad.

I brought him his laptop, his notebook, his cell phone since he said he wasn't leaving the bathroom and I pulled the tv over to where he could see it and I turned it to Logo, one of his favorite channels.

I felt bad about showering and leaving him at home sick. I felt even worse when I came home and he was still sitting on the floor of the bathroom. I couldn't help but laugh though. Especially when he smiled at me and said "I am going to look really good in my bikini if I keep mixing seafood and Nutella."

So right now I have him back in bed, he's watching the shows he recorded on the dvr, writing, and reading a new book and every so often he looks at me and smiles and says "Fucking Nutella." We keep laughing because it's funny to us, and I'm glad that he is still looking for ways to keep our sex life interesting even if it makes him sick.

Dating My Policeman is Bittersweet (a.k.a. A Perfectly Imperfect Couple)

So I was told that I never told you guys what Jack did for a living.  My bad.  I thought I had.

Jack is a police officer.

Yes, I know.  I pinch myself on a daily basis to make sure I'm not dreaming this all up as well.  But we've actually got a lot of really hot police officers here in Florida and according to Jack not all of them are "completely straight."  Whatever that means.

Anyway, I have dated a sergeant in the Army, a manager of Mcdonald's, a professor, a few college students, a financial manager of Amscot....not all of the relationships were great, some of them really sucked, but there you have it.

Dating a police officer is...different.

For the most part I know that Jack is going to be okay, he doesn't work the overnight shifts a lot but every so often I will be asleep in bed and hear sirens and wake up suddenly and reach for him to make sure that he's in the bed with me.  He always laughs when I do this and pulls me to him a little tighter.  It makes me feel better but in the morning when he goes off on duty it makes me sad and as the days pass I get more and more sad.  Not because being with him is horrible, but because it's so amazing.

I love to see Jack come home in his uniform and I must admit that I've had a number of mental erections over that whole uniform covering his wide chest and his firm ass and of course JJ who is like my second favorite person in the world (Jack Jr.-he has a mind of his own I tell you what).  If I'm sitting on the couch when he walks in the front door I put the computer to the side (because it's always on my lap) and I turn with my head up for a kiss.  He tells me I'm silly, kisses me and then goes to change.  If I'm in the bedroom, I usually just "assume the position."  But every day we seem to burrow more and more into this domestic scene, becoming more and more of a couple, referring to ourselves as "we" and "us" and "Vac" or "Jic" (yeah, guess who came up with those names?), making plans for trips to Italy and Australia and Boston and New York and Brazil, both of us knowing that they will never happen.  We lay around and fantasize about a future that we know we will never have.

And it's not just because Jack's job is so dangerous.

We're always aware that cops get shot in broad daylight, especially here in Florida, especially here lately.  We're aware of hostage situations, stand-offs, meth labs, drug busts gone wrong, car accidents, and criminals who will do anything to not go to jail or return to prison.  We know that but we still laugh and fantasize and settle into domestic bliss, neither of us wanting to borrow trouble.

But that's not what makes it bittersweet.

It's knowing that our relationship had a date of expiration.  We don't like to focus on it, we actually try to ignore that it's there but a simple conversation about us possibly moving in together (since I'm pretty much living here now anyway) turned into a few deeper conversations and us finding out that there were a few things that neither of us were willing to compromise on.  Things that put a timestamp on our relationship things that let us know that while we seem so...well...perfect for each other, we weren't meant to be together.

And that makes dating him bittersweet.  Neither of us is ready to let go.  Neither of us is ready to say goodbye to the other.  So we're both holding on to this relationship that is guaranteed to end at the end of the year.  Both of us growing more attached to the other.  Both of us falling more and more in...like with each other (you can't make me say the other word no matter how hard you try *sticks out tongue*).

And while I'm looking forward to my trip to New Orleans for GRL in two weeks, and my trip to Tennessee to spend Thanksgiving with my "family of the heart" from California, and then my trip to New York for Christmas, I want to cancel them all because they just take me away from Jack.  And then I want to call his job and tell them that he quits so that he can sit around all day with me and maybe we can figure out a way to make the impossible possible or barring that so I can torture myself and fall just a little more in like with him.


ETA: So Jack wants me to tell you all why we know.  It's more than just the fact that I need to move.  Every day that I'm here in Florida, I feel like I'm suffocating and like my spirit is being crushed.  I have always been aware of when it's time to move on and I should have left a while ago, I really never should have left California, but I did.  But again, that's not the only reason.  You all know how much I want to have kids and so does Jackson, but Jack doesn't want to have kids...ever.  For both of us it's an issue that neither of us will compromise on.  He doesn't want children, he says that he never will and that's something that I want desperately...almost as much as I want my "manjunk."  LOL.  So while we want to be together, unfortunately, it's not enough.  Jack wanted you all to know so that you didn't try to give me the whole "But VeeVee you can stay" talk.  I already had that talk once and it's just a little too hard right now, to have it again.
But don't worry until we have to say goodbye, we will be lighting up the sheets.  And yes, that is a term.  *Rolls eyes* You guys!  LOL.

Sparkle and Purr by Stormy Glenn

Sparkle And Purr by Stormy Glenn
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I have never read a Stormy Glenn book that was so angsty and heart-wrenching and "make-you-want-to-shake-your-Kindle" emotionally charged before.  Out of all of the Midnight Matings books, this was the one that I always cringed when I thought about reading it, which is weird for me because I'm such a "Stormy Glenn book whore."  But there was something about the blurb that let me know it was going to be a book that was going to make me want to punch one of the main characters in the throat.  And I was right.

Manuel and Elder Davan have a history that is filled with so much outside deception, manipulation, snobbishness, homophobia, anger, violence, lying and heartbreak that even while they were having sex Davan was crying and Manuel was angry, both of them wrapped up in their own versions of what happened to their past failed relationship and who was really wrong.  When everything gets sorted out and the truth is revealed I breathed such a sigh of relief, but the angst and drama didn't stop there.  The the ones who had caused all of the problems had to be confronted and justice had to be served.

In the middle of all of this heart-squeezing writing there is such an undercurrent of the power of Davan and Manuel's love for each other.  You can feel how deep their love and passion burns for the other even in the middle of their misunderstandings and hurt.

Now, everyone doesn't like Mpreg (your choice I know), I, however, LOVE a good mpreg story or a good M/M with Kids story and this book had both (although the mpreg is merely mentioned in a few spots and not really "experienced" like in other books) and Mrs Glenn does it so well (as she usually does).  I was charmed by the children though they only had brief appearances (as should be the case with ALL children-I joke.  Hahaha.  Laugh people) and found myself wanting to see how Manuel would handle Davan being pregnant again.

The dynamic of Manuel and Davan was so brilliant that unlike some other paranormal romances I didn't have to strain, tilt my head to one side and squint in order to try and imagine the two of them actually being together outside of the whole paranormal thing.

"The Epilogue Whore" is never satisfied when I read a Stormy Glenn book and is thereby never consulted because they are always so good to me that I find myself wanting more and more and more and really, greed is one of the seven deadly sins right?  Well, I'll die happily because this book will be read again by me and I recommend it to all of you.


View all my reviews

I'm Going to be on Effing LOGO TV!!!!

Or at least my tweet is.  This is what I just got sent:

LogoTV Logo TV Channel Congrats to @VVeeB! We're airing one of your tweets to us tomorrow on Logo! #TweetStars


I screamed so hard I woke up Jack.

I am ONE FUCKING STEP CLOSER to working for them!!  Woohoo!!!! BOUNCE WITH ME!!!

*Bouncing excitedly*

So watch Logo tomorrow because you're going to see one of my tweets to Logo and I don't even know which one it is!!!!  {screaming happily and bouncing with Jack}

Got Another Contest for You!

So I got another book idea (*rolls eyes* Yeah, yeah.  I know) and again, got no title for it.  I thought I had one, told Jack and he sort of gave me this...look.  Which pretty much let me know that it was NOT a good title.  So I'm offering it to you guys again.  Same rules apply.  Offer your title suggestions, the top four will be chosen by Jack, then I'll have a vote and whoever submitted the winning title will get a chance to win any of my books that are published by the time that particular book is published (and heck, we know I'll have quite a few because this one isn't so high up on the list, it's like #18 on my WIP).

Here's the blurb:

Randall was sleeping with his boss.  His boss's wife knew it.  His boss's children knew it.  Everyone knew. They all thought he did it because he enjoyed sleeping with the beautiful store manager.  He did it, however, because his boss paid for his apartment.  No one knew that.  Because you see, his boss told his wife that he was renting out the apartment and there was a totally different address listed under Randall's name in the company directory.

But when the Regional Director, Bradley Armstrong, moves into town and his new address is actually Randall's "address", well, what is Randall supposed to do?  He can't very well admit to everyone that he was essentially a kept man, his boss's mistress or mister.

So when the very gorgeous, very British, Bradley makes him a very crazy offer of getting married in order to end the company's investigation into why their addresses were the same, end his disgusting and demeaning relationship with his boss and also to help Bradley obtain custody of his niece and nephews, what else could Randall do but say yes?

But what happens when a marriage of convenience becomes a marriage of passion and passion begins to look an awful lot like love?  Will Randall and Bradley make theirs a marriage in truth or allow jealousy, sabotage, vengeful exes, fear and misconceptions to lead them straight to divorce?

Damien & Roman: Forever (Part Four)

Damien-Transforming

So when did you realize that your life was boring and predictable and you needed a change?






     It was about six months after I'd moved to Knoxville, Tennessee from Frankfort.  I'd been under the assumption that I was discontented with my life because I'd grown up my whole life in Kentucky. There was nothing new there for me.  I had been to every mall, every attraction, every restaurant, hang out spot, arena and gay bar that the state offered and it had grown stale.  At least that's what I thought.  I thought for sure that it had to be the state that was the problem, not me.
     So I moved to Knoxville and for about four months everything was great.  I was learning the area, discovering new things, meeting new people.  To me, my life had become exciting again, full of adventure, new experiences, fascinating and new things.  Then about four months into my living in Knoxville I realized that it wasn't so much that my life had suddenly become exciting, it was just that my life had become...new.  New is not exciting, new isn't necessarily interesting, having something new doesn't give you something of substance, of meaning.  So while after four months of living in Knoxville I realized that my new life wasn't suddenly interesting, it took two more months before I realized that the reason my life was boring and predictable was because I was boring and predictable.
     I'd called my brother Kelvin, who had been married to his husband Cody for about two years at that point and I was pouring out all of my angst and anguish.  Kelvin is really good about listening, he lets you talk yourself exhausted and then he offers two to three sentences of sound advice that rocks your world and changes you forever.  He did it again this time as well.
     "So that's the problem," I'd told him after explaining everything and then I heard him grunt, which in "Kelvin-speak" is like saying "I am becoming the life guru now and it is taking little effort on my part to become so wise."  So I waited.  I heard him breathing.  I heard him grunt again.  I heard Cody in the background on his cellphone, chattering away to someone and then Kelvin sighed, which meant he was about to dispense wisdom and I would e wise to pay attention at that very moment.
     I was older than Kelvin by five years, my voice was deeper, gruffer, but Kelvin had a voice that demanded attention, it was like smooth velvet over hard steel striking a pole.  You felt instantly alert, but oddly soothed at the same time.  Cody said that Kelvin had a sex voice...if he wan't my younger brother, I'd be inclined to agree.
     "Damien, it seems to me that what you're searching for, you ain't gonna find by moving to a new state.  There's an empty spot in you that can't no new house, new job or new sex partner gonna fill.  You need to slow down, hell, you need to stop and find love, real true love, the kind that takes your fantastical ideas about what a gay relationship is supposed to be and rips it to shreds.  You need someone that's gonna call you on your bullshit, love you fiercely and make you love them just as hard.  You're searching for someone that going to make you think about forever.  Marriage, kids, a mortgage.  Ain't nothing more interesting than being committed to someone that's equally committed to you.  That's what makes life interesting.  That's what makes you a man."
     It was the longest speech I'd ever heard Kelvin make in all the years that I'd known him, all the years he'd been alive.  So I sat in my three bedroom home in Knoxville dumbfounded.  Even at their wedding all Kelvin had done was turn to Cody and say, "You know I'm gonna love you, take care of you, protect you and raise a family with you for the rest of this life and beyond, the rest is just details."
     We'd all cried because for Kelvin, saying all that was like the grandest, most romantic poem ever written.  So for him to have said all that he had to me?  Well that was a big fucking deal.
     "O-okay Kelvin.  You're right," I stammered, my brain still frozen in shock and awe and extreme humility.
     I heard Kelvin grunt again.  A deeper grunt.  More of a growl than anything and it meant that I was welcome for his sage advice and of course he was right.  I heard Cody say something to him in the background and heard Kelvin sigh in frustration which meant Cody had just asked him to do something, probably directed towards me, that he found bothersome.  Something he knew he was going to do anyway.  I heard him grunt again, an indulgent grunt that everyone knew meant that he loved his husband in spite of everything and would give the man the universe if he could.
     "Cody says to catch a flight on out here for the Fourth of July barbecue and stay for the weekend with us. Or you can stay with mom and dad.  Cody's best friend is living with us for the time being," Kelvin stated and though he'd issued it as a request and he was the younger brother I knew an order when I heard one.
     "Sure.  I'll pack now and catch a flight out this weekend.  I'll give you the flight details after I get them," I said.  I felt strangely excited for some reason and Kelvin only grunted and hung up.
     I packed quickly that day and bought my ticket the next morning, before texting the details to Kelvin.  Three days later I climbed into the taxi with butterflies in my stomach heading back to Frankfort.
     Had I known what was going to happen that weekend and how my life was going to change, I would have hugged every person I met, given the taxi driver that took me to the airport and the one that took me to Cody and Kelvin's a bigger tip.  I would have smiled at every flight attendant and passenger on my flight, started up a joyous sing-a-long on the plane ride over.  I would have hugged Kelvin and Cody longer than I did when I showed up at their house from the airport and then offered to buy them their dream home.
     Because that weekend I met and fell in love with Roman.  Roman, who turned out to be the love of my life and who brought so much excitement that I never felt boring and predictable ever again.

Porno Dialogue and Diatribes

Vic and I were watching a porno last night, it was a gay version of the Cinderella story (Falcon Studio's "Billy's Tale". Vic loves Falcon Studios) without the mice and the fat, singing, fairy godmother when Vic, in normal "Vee" fashion turns to me and says "Why don't we ever talk like that?" Now at first I had no idea what he was talking about. We talk. We talk a lot. If you have ever talked to Vic then you know what I'm talking about. Vic can talk, but he has this gift, this magical ability to make you talk back and before you know it you're curled up in a fetal position, shivering with emotion and sucking on your thumb as you pour out all of your secret fears. No? Just me? Alright then (can you tell who helped me with that sentence?).

The point is, Vic and I spend a lot of time talking. Vic is a firm believer in total and complete honesty. No holds barred. Spill your guts. A share everything type of relationship. He's not cruel, but he is blunt with his honesty and sometimes it hurts, but sometimes it makes you feel better or make you feel like you could do anything. But that's because he makes you talk. So when he asked me why we didn't talk, I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he pointed at the tv. "We don't ever talk like they do before we have sex or like Sammy and Robert do in 'On Fire'. We just sort of grunt and hiss and moan and yell out profanities."

I have to admit, this made me laugh. I wasn't laughing at Vic. Okay, maybe I was just a little. But mostly I was laughing because he is always so concerned that maybe he's missing something important when it comes to the whole "gay sex" thing. He and I have tried positions and ideas from books and movies that I must admit never even crossed my mind before, but it's because he doesn't want me to feel like I'm missing out because he's not "fully male" (a term that someone called him that has been lodged in his brain ever since).

I had to point out to him that no one really talks like they do in pornos and that in books the author can express the character's thoughts more through talking than if we were watching it in a movie.

But Vic is not one to be dissuaded. So, he decided that we would attempt to make our own porno, starring the two of us complete with dialogue and everything.

It was the funniest thing that I have ever done. I was trying not to laugh at how serious Vic was being about the whole thing and Vic, who used to be an actor/actress, was really getting into his character. We were the police officer and the concerned citizen, complete with handcuffs and billy club.

The script was good. And yes there was a script, Vic wrote it and printed it out. Halfway through the actual sex part of the movie when we were both struggling to remember to say "Oh my gosh you're the best I ever had!" or "Oh man you're so big, I feel so full," Vic stops me and says "Shut the fuck up Jack and just fuck me already."

We spent the rest of the time moaning and groaning and hissing and spanking and shouting out "Fuck!" and "Yes!" and my personal fave "Goddamnit Vic!"

When we had finished having the biggest orgasms of our relationship, so far, Vic turned and looked at me and he is trying to catch his breath and he says, "Damn. Pornos would be much better if the actors would just shut up and fuck sometimes."

So the dialogue and diatribes of pornos and romance books, they aren't representative of real life. Not all the time. Some people like to talk. I dated a guy who ran a verbal play-by-play the whole time we had sex (And now you're going to shove that big cock up my ass right? Oh yeah, you're going to put it in slowly), needless to say our relationship was very short lived. You can't watch those movies and read those books and then look at your own life and think that its lacking. Men in those books are oftentimes the fantasies of the writer, the sexual scenarios, believable, possible passionate interactions between the people involved.

If you have someone that can give you an erection or can get you "wet" and that same someone or someones gives you an orgasm or maybe they don't make you orgasm but its them you think about when you do orgasm, then don't suddenly think that you have to change your sex life to mirror what you see in the pornos and what you read in the books. You make sure your partner is or partners are satisfied and you are satisfied and you make it to where the movies and the books are copying you rather than the other way around.

And for godssake don't have any corny dialogue before sex, just get to fucking!

Jack

I'm BACK!! (Goings on and a Contest)

Hey all!  I'm back.  Feeling better, glad to be back.  *Fist pump in air.  Dancing around and around.  Throws confetti*

My friend is moving out of the county, it's definitely for the best, and I encouraged her to do so.  Jack and I helped her move and it made me feel better to know where she's at and also to know that I helped her in that way.

The guys in question have been released on their own recognizance until the trial.  Bastards, every last one of them.  I had a slight violent moment when I went to go and see them, thank gods for Jack who went with me and didn't let me go too crazy.  Thank gods for Jack who's been with me through this whole thing.  I think I really like this kid, even if he does post really nasty jokes.  LOL.

I had to give my statement on the guys since I know them, then I had to tell the officers about how the same thing had happened to me years ago.  They asked me why I didn't report them and I had to admit to them, with Jack standing there, about how many times I've been violated or assaulted and how my story was never believed because of how I dressed, how I acted and the fact that I was...am...promiscuous and also about how the statute of limitations has passed.  In light of that, it was decided that my testimony could possibly do more harm than good.  *Shrug*  I'm just glad that my friend pressed charges.  Makes me realize how there's still a stigma attached to the whole "promiscuous woman" thing.  Even though the officers looked at me strangely when I told them to refer to me as "Vic" or "VeeVee" instead of "Veronica." They're idiots too.

I met Jack's family, talked with his mother who is a therapist (she specializes in rape counseling), and started writing again.  So I am feeling better.  Jack and I had a semi-serious conversation about our "relationship", about where we're going to be at the beginning of the year.  I won't be here in Florida.  I'm not sure exactly where I want to move to, I'm still looking into a couple of areas, but I won't be here and Jack has no plans on leaving Florida so....*shrug* we'll see where we are at the end of the year.  I have been getting a lot of "signs" that I should move to Boston.  Ellen went to Boston, one of my fave groups on the Sing-Off is from Boston, Jack's father was talking about how he wanted to model when he was younger and he said that he loved living in New Boston, when he meant to say New York....then again, it could just be because I WANT to move to Boston and have wanted to for years.  *Sigh*  It's just so effing expensive!!  *Frustrated Groan*

Anyway, I'm back, hopefully better than ever and heading forward.  I have done a lot of writing and I got an idea for a new book and this is the FIRST book I've ever written where I don't have a title for it.  So I figured  YOU GUYS COULD HELP ME!!

I'm going to post up the blurb and I want you all to give me possible book titles.  Jack and I will pick the top four and then allow you all to vote for the best of the four.  Whoever submitted the winning title will win a free book of mine.  Whichever one they want that's out and published by the time that this book is published.  It is currently #6 on my WIP list, so you'll have the chance to get Unassumed book 3 of The Tate Pack Series, Sacred Duets: Special Song, Passion's Hero: The Alpha King, Damien & Roman: Forever, or Love's Enslavement for free.

So here's the blurb:
      Knox Doyle always knew that he was adopted, it wasn't some big state secret, no one tried to make him believe that he hadn't been, it had always been known.  Even though he knew that he was adopted he had never wanted to find his adopted parents...ever.  That is, not until both of his adopted parents died from hereditary diseases within months of each other and Knox realized that he didn't know if the same thing could happen to him and he has something to live for....two, tiny somethings.  So he takes off on a journey to find his adopted parents and when he finds out who his mother is, he is beyond shocked.
    Liria Nyland is a washed up soap star who is desperately trying to return to the spotlight.  So when the son she gave up for adoption shows up with his Hollywood good looks, fabulous smile, petite stature that makes everyone want to hold him, and she finds out that he's gay (which is the Hollywood mom's greatest accessory and asset), she knows that this is just what she needs to propel her back into the arms of Hollywood's elite.  When Knox asks her about his father, however, she feels Hollywood slipping away, because Knox's father is Quint Salatore, a well-known liberal politician who is married, has four children, one of whom is a lesbian and who is actively pushing for gay marriage to be recognized and accepted nationwide.
     When Knox meets his father he wasn't expecting to meet Gage Matthews, his biological father's head of campaign security, a large, barrel-chested, former Army Ranger who is the only one who doesn't believe that he found his adopted parents only to know more about his medical history and family.  So, while he gets hard every time the other man looks in his direction, he's not so sure that Gage would let him close enough to do anything about it.  And when Knox has to leave abruptly, in the middle of a well-publicized campaign dinner, only to return a week later with two newborn girls that he claims are his daughters, he knows that Gage is really going to investigate him.
     So why is he so excited about the big man spending so much time with him?  In the midst of political scandal, Hollywood gossip, death threats, a pride parade that turns into a crime scene, raising twin newborns, hot, steamy, sticky man sex in the most unlikeliest of places, and a crazed fan working together with an equally demented homophobe, will Gage and Knox ever be able to get past their own issues and actually fall in love?


So, I look forward to hearing your ideas for a title guys!!!  Might as well give you all some work also.  And don't worry, you will get a special "Thank-You" in the book also (you might just be in it! *Gasp*)

Tomorrow I will put up the next installment of D & R: Forever.  These two guys!  Wow!  LOL.


Vic (V. Vee)

Listening to Vic Sing

I'm not sure what happened to change Vic's day yesterday but when I got home from work, he was cooking and singing in the kitchen. Now, I know that you all have never heard Vic sing before, but it's something. His voice gets me hard when he's talking but when he sings I'm held prisoner. He was in the kitchen singing "1 + 1" by Beyonce and using his cane as a microphone and it was so cute and I realized that this was a side of him that not a lot of people got to see. The free, singing in the kitchen, Vic.

He had a hard time being away from blogging and tweeting and stuff, he told me that he felt like he was ignoring people who had supported him and when we took his friend to help her move he looked at me and said "I can come back now right?" But when he sat at the computer he looked so lost and upset.

When I left for work yesterday, he was up writing, a cup of coffee on the nightstand, his laptop in his lap, and he just sort of waved at me when I said goodbye, but there was still that lost look in his eyes. When I came home I found him cooking and singing in the kitchen. I watched him sing, as the song changed to "At Last" which is one of his favorites, I walked in and he just turned and smiled at me. I know he wasn't singing the song to me, but I saw him smile for the first time in almost a week and it made me happy. He even told me he was horny and that is something else that hasn't happened in almost a week.

After dinner and dessert and our shower he told me that he had a good day. Even after reading a blog whose title I read incorrectly (He's still a little annoyed by that) and had him freaking out, he said he had a good day. He said that his day was filled with people checking up on him, sending him nice thoughts, hugs, jokes, he even said that he got nothing but a smile from one person and that it went a long way to brightening his day.

So thank you to all of you who wrote to him, who checked up on him, who made him laugh and smile. Thank you for bringing him back. I know it would have happened eventually, but if you've ever seen Vic smile or heard him sing you'd know why you brightening his day, brightened mine.

Thank you,

Jackson T.

Just Another Laugh

Vic made me an author on his blog because he said that he was tired of me stealing his laptop, especially since he's started writing again. So I guess I can post now as well, although I've been told not to go crazy.

This is a joke that I was sent at work and it made Vic laugh so I thought I would share it with you all.

A guy sits down in a cafe and asks for the hot chili.
The waitress says, “The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is
still full.

He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No, help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits
something. He looks down and sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes all of the
chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, “That’s about as far as I got, too."

Update on Vic (From Jack)

Vic gave me permission to let you all know that he is doing better.  He confronted the guys who violated his friend and then went to give his statement to the police.
He wanted me to thank Kate for emailing him to check up on him and Sidney for getting his mind off of it and LC for the "drive-by hug"? that she gave him.
I don't know when he will come back to blog, I do know that he is writing again, and writing a lot, and he's reading a lot too, so it will probably be soon.
Thank you to those who have been commenting and encouraging him through this, I know he appreciates it.  He smiles whenever he gets something from one of you.  So thank you.  -Jackson

Not Blogging For A While

I had intended on making this a thank-you blog.

Thank you to Jack for writing that amazing blog post that I got surprised with when the first comment came rolling through my email notifications.

Thank you to those of you who commented.

Thank you to those of you who uplifted and encouraged me.

I was also going to talk about great friends and how I will never give up the fight for others.

That was before this afternoon.

Halfway through my different doctor appointments today I received a phone call from a very close friend of mine, who is like a sister to me, and she found out where I was.  She was at the same hospital so we met up for lunch because she had something to tell me.  I thought she was going to tell me that she was pregnant.

She instead showed me her bruised face and arms, pictures of her after a violent fight and I jokingly said "You got in a fight with someone?"  She said,, "It looks that way doesn't it?  But I don't actually remember what happened."  When I asked her what she meant, she began to tell me, K. Ray, and Jack, who had met us up at the hospital for lunch about going to a friend's house on Friday and having said friend bring her drinks.  About swimming in the pool with this guy and another girl and how that was the last full moment that she remembers. Then she told about the flashes of memories, being in the bathtub, waking up in bed, in a different house, wearing someone else's clothes, next to the other girl and the friend from before.  She was battered and bruised and couldn't remember what had happened to her.  The other girl was bruised as well.

My friend had been "roofied" or drugged and then raped.

Obviously for legal purposes I can't share her name, especially because she will be pressing charges, but this is something that has rocked me to my core.  Not just because my friend was so violently assaulted, but also because I know the guy who drugged her and probably know the other guys who attacked her.

I can't write anything remotely creative.  I am in a state of shock.  My mind is filled with rage and despair.  I'll be honest, I want to get revenge for my friend, I want blood to be spilled, I want someone in jail, I want them to be raped.  After getting my friend squared away I told these things to Jack and he took the day off and I told him that I'm probably having flashbacks of when I was in this same situation.

Rape is horrible and the victims are never the same.  Ever.  And when you've been drugged and you can't remember seeing your attack, the violation of your person, the stealing of your spirit but you feel it in the fear, the paranoia, the shattered and broken emotions, the physical pain, the distrust, the feeling of victimization and the feeling that you're stupid to have let it happen, it's so much worse.

So, while this is lengthy, I wanted to let you all know that I won't be blogging for a while.  I won't be tweeting and I won't be on GR leaving comments on threads or anything.  I don't know when I'll be back, maybe when my mind settles, when I stop wanting to rail at the heavens and stop wanting to throw shit around the room because how could someone I know do this to someone that I care about?  I'm hoping that I won't be gone long, but my friend needs me, I need Jack and I can't be my happy-go-lucky, wise adviser, brilliant writer, world-changer self right now.  I feel broken and my friend feels worse.

So if you have my email address then I'll still be emailing, but other than that I won't be blogging, tweeting or commenting on blogs, GR or anything for a while.

From Jack to Vic

Vic left this empty blog open when he went to bed half an hour ago, about 11:20pm, and I fought with myself about whether or not I should try posting here, and if he was going to be mad, but I have to go to work early tomorrow and he has an appointment in town so I wanted to send him this thing, this post because I felt bad about not responding when he had a hard night.
I'm not sure if he has shared on here about some of the non-profits that he wants to run.  The group home for at risk teens, the cancer carnivals, the AIDS festivals, etc.  For the past few days he has shared his heart with me and I feel so honored that he has allowed me the chance to be with him.  One of the biggest things I found out about Vic is that he has the biggest heart of anyone I know.  I have seen him sign petitions, call the White House, call members of the Senate and House of Representatives.  I have seen him write and send letters to celebrities trying to bring change to the world.  It's humbling to be around someone whose main goal in life is to make everyone else happy.  I'm not saying he is perfect, we've had a couple of disagreements, but for the most part he has been this strong, avenging angel.  I've seen him offer advice, comfort, make people laugh, I watched as he wrote letters and called to have the Defense of Marriage Act revoked in states where he had friends who are gay and then I watched as he did the same for others.  I watched him get angry on the behalf of those who were unable to fight for themselves, and fight for those people and then I watched him cry when his efforts failed to change anything.
I read his posts and I know that he would never tell you all what he does when he's entertaining you or comforting you or offering you advice or being your "Big Sister or Big Brother."  I normally would not have "stolen" his laptop to post this but I held him in my arms tonight as he cried over the execution of Troy Davis.  He told me that he had protested for Troy, called the Georgia Parole Board, the Georgia Senator, he had even called the White House and pleaded with the president to do whatever he could to get a stay of execution for this man.  I asked him why it was so important to him and I saw him look at me in shock and then I watched as he cried.  He told me that I wouldn't understand, couldn't understand.  That it was about more than just an innocent man being executed, it was about more than a man who was falsely accused, who had no evidence linking him to the crime, who had seven of the nine? witnesses change their stories and admit to lying, he said for him it was about justice.  Then he told me a few stories that made me nauseous and made me hurt for him even more.
He told me about being ten years old in Winter Haven, Florida and walking home from school and being called the "N" word and pelted with rocks by a truck full of white boys.  He told me about the teacher who said "you people hate to do work" and how when he spoke up against the teacher, he was suspended for three days, he told me about being put on lockdown in two different schools because the KKK had come onto the campus and demanded that all "N-s" be brought out so that they could be hung.  He told me about his friend who was tried and found guilty of armed robbery and first degree murder of a convenience store owner and how there was no evidence linking him to the crime but how he was serving life in prison in Texas. He told me about job interviews he had been on, professors he'd had meetings with, and people he'd met who had treated him and talked to him as if he were beneath them just because of the color of his skin.
He cried and told me that he'd had one of his kids from the LGBT center he volunteers at, a young black boy, tell him that he couldn't really accept the "It Gets Better" videos as applying to him, because while being gay is hard and he got bullied over it, that he was still a black man and that living where he lives that means a whole lot more trouble for him than him being gay.
I didn't know what to say.  I held him and I had no words for him.  I sat next to him today and watched as he uplifted others, as he talked to people who were hurting, as he got angry on behalf of his friends, as he was selfless and self-sacrificing for a friend, and I asked him if he was ever NOT that way.  I know he's not perfect, but he's damn near close in my eyes and I felt horrible that when he needed me I had no words to give him, no support, no platitudes, all I could do was hold him while he cried and then put him to bed when he said he just wanted to sleep.
But, I've had a chance to think about it and baby, I'm going to tell you what I've heard you tell others these past few days.  It sucks when something you've fought for fails, it hurts when someone you've tried to help is beyond it, it makes you mad and it makes you cry and it makes you feel like you should give up, but you can't give up, because that next person might just be the one that you can save, the one you can help.  You're hurting because your heart is so big and you throw yourself into these cases and into these causes and it is what makes you special, but don't let this failure make you quit.  I never want to see you cry like you did tonight.  I don't think I can handle it, but I will deal with it if it means that you're still fighting.  You wouldn't be happy if you gave up and stopped fighting for justice for all, for happiness and freedom and love and truth.  You told me that it was all about truth.  Don't forget that.  Don't give up, you wouldn't be you if you gave up.
I hope you don't mind that I sort of stole your blog for a second to send this to you.


Jackson

Jack Fights For Me

I might just be falling for Jack (gasp, shudder in fear).  This morning I made him breakfast before he went off to work and he was helping me fill out this paperwork that I got from my doctor that I have to fill out for the military  letting them know that I'll be having the gender reassignment surgery and why, blah, blah, blah.  So it got to gender and as I've been struggling with for the last couple of months I had no idea of how to answer it, so we left it blank.  Then under sexuality they have "straight, gay, bisexual, trangender m to f, transgender f to m."  Now, first of all I'm glad that this isn't military documentation because there would be no "sexuality" on there.  So I'm flipping waffles and I hear Jack growl and toss the pen down when we get to that question and I think "Oh shit, he's finally snapped, he finally realizes that he's not fully dating a man yet."

So I turn around kind of slow and I look at him and he's not glaring at me, he's glaring at the paper and then he looks up at me.

Jack: They're so stupid.
Me: Who?
Jack: These fucking doctors.  Don't they know that being transgender is not your sexuality?
Me: Huh?  Yes it is.
Jack: No!  Being transgender is your GENDER.  Your GENDER is wrong, you should have been born Victor, a male, not Veronica, a female.  That's your gender.  Your sexuality is gay.
Me: Oh...yeah.  I guess you're right.
Jack: It's like that's another way to not really identify that transgenders are having a GENDER identity issue, not a SEXUALITY identity issue.  You just told me yesterday that you were a bigender homosexual or transgender homosexual whatever you said.
Me: I said I was a gay bigender (sniffle)
Jack: Exactly.  This is bullshit.
Me: Thank you. (sniffle)
Jack: For what?
Me: For getting so upset on my behalf.
Jack: I'm going to do more than that.  I'm writing these people to tell them that they need to change this fucking shit.

At which point I turned off the waffle maker and sort of hopped into his arms.  We made an even bigger mess in the kitchen on our way back to the bedroom (*naughty grin*), but I couldn't really put into words (I know, me the author) how much it touched me to have someone fight for me.  I can't remember the last time that someone did.  I fight for others, I was a soldier in the US Army, it's something that has been a part of me since birth.  I'm a defender, a protector of others, a warrior.  Oftentimes no one pays attention to the fact that the warrior needs someone willing to fight for them as well.  It's not that we don't need protection it's just that no one really think we do.  So to have Jack realize and point out something that I hadn't even realized and then to have him fight for me or stand up for me in that way?  It made something inside of me clench and release.  I told him he was my hero, he just laughed and said it was what I did for others on a daily basis.

BTW, Jack was late to work today.  LOL.  What can I say, I cannot keep my hands off that man, even after the spanking I had to give him last night.

Life-Changing Song: Take Me As I Am by Mary J Blige

Jack Shares a Laugh

Had a friend email this to me, Vic thought I should share:

"A little boy asked his dad, "What's between mom's legs?" The father answers, "Paradise."  The kid asks again, "What's between your legs?"  The father replies, "The key to Paradise."  Then the son says, "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy."

What a Brave Guy!

This soldier came out to his dad and filmed it all on Youtube right after DADT was repealed.

DADT Repealed, Jack at Work, Snooping & Writing

Okay so unless you live under a rock (which would be weird because you're reading my blog and I don't think you can get internet reception under a rock) you know that Don't Ask, Don't Tell has been repealed (YIPPEE!).  Now as you all know I am an Army vet (yes, I love to point that out to people) and when I served in the Army one of the things that they hammered into us was the USMCJ (United States Military Code of Justice) and how violating one of those "codes" could get you an Article 15 (which is like a misdemeanor), an Article 17 (which is like a felony) or an Article 13 (which will get you dishonorably discharged-I believe those are the numbers, can't really remember.  I remember the Article 15 though, I got threatened with that....A LOT).  So if someone brought charges or made a complaint that you approached them to have homosexual relations or if you were caught have homosexual relations (yes, it says relations and not sex in the book, because the word sex is too vulgar...you know for the officers that make you say "fuck you" when doing pushups) you got an automatic dishonorable discharge, after the bogus trial you'd have to endure.  Now, it was the same thing for those who committed adultery as well.  The MPs (Military Police) would come and arrest you and put you in holding (the Navy calls it the brig) until your trial where you'd be court-martialed.
Now when I served, I would say that 65% of the females in my barracks were having sex with each other and about 50% of the males.  How do I know?  Well, I would hear the girls, I'd see them in the shower, washing each other, they'd sneak off to the showers while everyone else was sleeping (I'm a light sleeper, it's what made me such a good soldier) and have sex.  It was the same for the guys.  How do I know that?  My Army boyfriend.  He was half Italian, half Sicilian *shiver*, he was the only one who knew about my strap-ons that I'd smuggled onto base and into the barracks (they are considered contraband) and he was the first guy that I slept with in basic training (what?  You think we didn't?  There's a very nice SSG out there who still smiles at the mention of my name.  LOL).
The point is, covert "homosexual relations" have been going on since the inception of the the fucking military, but, there's no threat of punishment.  Now they can be just as open and free to love and fuck around as everyone else without that stupid USMCJ hanging over their heads.  I am SO excited for them all!!  And I'm going to share with you the email I got from said Army boyfriend from ^:
                  B*****(he used my last name, sorry you don't get that)!!  Did you hear?  Tell me you heard!!  I'm so excited I feel like wrapping my flag around me and running through the base and I'm not talking about the American flag!  I wish you were here to celebrate with all of us.  Sucks that you're not, but I heard through the grapevine that you're becoming a man.  That's great!  When you do, you should get surgery on your back and hip and reenlist there are some GORGEOUS guys that are enlisting these days.  Love you honey!  And here's one for the road!
Then he sent me a very special picture.  LOL.  Which is of course when Jack walked out of the bathroom and saw what I was looking at.

So,as you all may now, after my scary Sunday, I've been at Jack's, he's been taking very good care of me and reading blogs, reading m/m books, watching LOGO, it's been great, but he had to go to work today, so I'm left at his place while he goes to make money (Woohoo!).  Anyway, this morning I woke up to Jack working out.  He was doing push-ups on the floor.
With one hand.
The man is a fucking god....well, that too.  LOL
Anyway, apparently I make audible noises when I'm turned on (who knew?) and I like moaned and he heard me, which led to a wonderful morning, but I fell back asleep immediately afterwards (it was a quick doze) and by the time Jack came out of the shower I was commenting on blogs, checking on GR, responding to emails and procrastinating on my writing (I get better at that every day).  So Jack sees the picture and he says: "That's not mine."  LOL.  Um...duh!  So I tell him whose on it is and he says "Does he know you have a boyfriend?"  And I'm like "Do I?"  I was TOTALLY just teasing!  Jack didn't know that and he just sort of looks at me, so I apologize, tell him I was joking and he just sort of nods, grabs his stuff for work and says he'll see me when he gets home.
*Sigh*

So after he leaves I decide to do a bit of snooping.  I'm going into every room and looking around, checking out the kitchen, the living room, the backyard.  Nothing interesting.  I mean I wasn't like doing a FBI search or anything, just sort of walking into each room, standing in one spot and then turning to check out everything.  I didn't see anything out of the ordinary.  So I gave up and now I am laying on the couch in the living room, the tv on mute, Billie Holiday playing on the stereo and blogging you guys.

I should be writing.  I wrote some new stuff for "D & R" on Sunday but today?  My brain has gone silent.  It's quite unnerving.  So I'm going to read Clear Water by Amy Lane and hope that the juices start flowing soon, because I promised Jack I'd get some writing done today and I always keep my promises.

Life-Changing Song: Skyscraper by Demi Lovato

So I got this really, really mean and nasty email from someone through the blog.  I'll admit, it had me upset, but it didn't hurt me, which I am sure, was the guy's intention.  I don't really handle homophobic, racist assholes with any type of dignity or aplomb, usually I just have this sort of Sylvester Stallone in "Rambo" moment where I pull out my guns and go in blazing.  So after I tore this guy a few new ones and Jack "talked me down" reminding me that it wasn't true, the guy was an idiot, it was good that I'd blocked him, I thought of the song "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato.  It's the song I listened to after my mother told me that she didn't have to accept me when I came out to her.  It's the song that I listened to when I started getting the emails, text messages and phone calls from family members and their friends and old friends of mine, condemning me to hell if I didn't "turn away from sin and my abomination", it's the song I listened to when I finished reading "Nowhere Ranch," and today, it's the song that I'm listening to help calm me down when this idiot told me that "God was trying to kill" me and that's why I mixed up the pills and why my body reacted.  *Rolls eyes*  So, since this idiot is a "lurker," (which seriously if you are a lurker, don't call yourself that okay?  Just...creepy) and all I had was his email address which I blocked immediately, I am actually hoping that he still reads this blog.  Idiot, I want you to listen to this song and realize that it will take a lot more than an email telling me that God was trying to kill me yesterday to make me stop living my truth.  I am an educated African-American woman living in Polk County, I've had rocks thrown at me, received death threats, etc.  You are child's play compared to them.  Seriously.  For the rest of you, remember that NO MATTER WHAT, you can overcome anything, you can rise above anything that tries to break you or wound you or hold you down.  For every one person that will try to put you down there are five more, ready to pick you back up.  Stay strong, we deserve to love, to live, to breathe, to survive, to have families, to learn and to be just like everyone else!!

{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}


Vic

Damien & Roman: Forever (Part Three)

So with my whole sojourn into the hospital yesterday and then being on bed rest today while my body still fights the "poison" in my body, and Jack playing nursemaid, I had a lot of time to write.  So the words for "D & R" came flowing out.  I'm not going to put up all of it, but I will put up Part Three today.  So enjoy!!






WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOU LEFT HOME?


Roman:


     Actually I drove and drove and drove until my vision got blurry and only then did I stop.  When I pulled into the nearest gas station to ask where I was, they told me I was in Frankfort, Kentucky.  I was a little surprised that I'd driven out to Kentucky of all places, much less Frankfort.  I looked around the store and the streets for about ten minutes and I was the only black person around.  I was a little unsure of how I was going to be treated, I wasn't too sure of the racial climate in Frankfort, but I knew that it was as good a place as any, at least for the night.  I bought about seventy five dollars worth of food and was just about to walk out when this very thin guy, about my height, maybe a little shorter, with red hair, blue eyes and freckles walked in the store.
     When he looked at me it was instantaneous.  For both of us.  He smiled at me and I smiled back.
     "And where are you going honey?" he'd asked me.  Oh yeah, he was a flaming homosexual.  I grinned at him.  Who would have thought that I would meet my new best friend in Frankfort, Kentucky?
     "I'd planned on finding a hotel to crash at for a few days before I moved on," I told him, the two of us stepping to the side when a large woman walked in.  She gave us both dirty looks and walked towards the back of the store. Without thinking I played a game aloud that I usually play in my head, when I tried to guess what she was in the store to buy.
     "Pepto-Bismol, donuts, beer, chips, sandwiches from the refrigerated section and three lottery tickets," I mumbled.  My new friend, whose name I still didn't know, chuckled and offered his own guess.
     "Pepto-Bismol, Drano, beer, five lottery tickets, donuts, chips, Big Gulp, tabloid magazine, three packs of cigarettes," he said with a smirk.
     I stared at him in shock when she got exactly what he'd said she would.
     "How in the hell did you know that?" I asked him.  He looked at me, with his blue eyes twinkling, and smiled.
     "Because that's my sister-in-law and it's what she sent me in here to buy," he said with a teasing grin.
     I felt myself blush, yes, black people can blush too, and opened my mouth to apologize, he shook his head with a laugh.
     "Don't apologize," he said, "You weren't being mean or insulting her, besides, it was fun," he said with a cheeky grin.  His sister-in-law walked up to us then and gave him a fond smile before looking at me suspiciously.  It was then that I realized that she thought I was trying to hit on her brother-in-law.  Which I found fucking hilarious, because while he was cute, he wasn't my type at all.  I liked to top, I loved it actually, and while in the bedroom I loved to dominate my partner.  I liked said partner to be bigger than me, however, because outside of the bedroom I wanted him to dominate me.  I just grinned at her though.  I loved to sort of ruffle people's feathers and keep them on their toes, it always drove my parents crazy.
     Thinking about my parents made me sort of sad though.  I'd driven all the way from Valdosta, Georgia to Frankfort, Kentucky without thinking about them once, and now they were forefront in my mind.  I gave myself a mental shake and focused on the pair in front of me.  They were both looking at me with looks of concern and shit.  It sort of unnerved me.  I couldn't remember the last time anyone had been worried about me.  That warm feeling that I got inside was new to me as well, it felt strangely like happiness or something equally thrilling.
     "What's wrong?  Your face just went from all happy to depressed in like a second," the woman asked.  I had to find out their names, because calling them "the woman" and "the twink" just wasn't going to cut it.
     I sort of lifted my left eyebrow at her, she had asked me a pretty private question.  To her credit, she didn't blush, not once, she just kept looking at me until I ended up blushing myself.
     "Oh man!  Sorry!  I'm Cody and this is my sister-in-law, Amy.  I married her brother, Kelvin," Cody said gesturing before turning to Amy.  "Amy, this is my new friend..." he turned to look at me with his eyebrows raised and I realized that he didn't know my name either.
     So I grinned at him and then held out my hand to Amy, "Just call me Roman."

Life-Changing Book: Nowhere Ranch by Heidi Cullinan

Nowhere Ranch by Heidi Cullinan
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

When I read L.A. Witt's "Static" I had a panic attack because it made me come face-to-face with some truths about myself that I'd been hiding.  When I read this book I cried because Heidi described the heartbreak I experienced at my own coming out, the grief, the despair, the hopelessness that ate away at me with my family's reaction, the need to erect walls to keep oneself safe from any more emotional hurt, the fight and struggle for healing and the overwhelming power of hope, forgiveness and acceptance, not of others but the acceptance of yourself.

When I first started reading this book, I didn't know what to expect.  It had been recommended to me by Pati Maye, someone who after hearing about my family's reaction to my coming out told me that she'd adopt me.  So I read this expecting to read a story of how a family accepted someone's decision to live their truth.  I didn't even read the blurb, I just started reading.  When I read Roe's family's reaction to finding out he was gay I felt as if Heidi had hidden cameras in my home (which wouldn't make sense as this book was written and published before I came out).  I could feel the lost feeling that ate away at Roe's insides and when Roe began working at Nowhere Ranch and he met up with Travis Loving, the ranch owner, in a gay bar, I don't think I've ever rooted so hard for a couple before.

Heidi's words and the flow of her sentences made this book gritty and raw with emotion, I ached with the need for Roe to realize he wasn't evil for loving someone, I desperately needed for Travis to catch Roe if he ever ran if he ever fell, because Heidi's way with words had me feeling as if Roe's struggle was my own.

The sex was hot, rough, passionate, sweaty, and I cringed and clenched through most of it, feeling as if Travis was standing over me giving me orders or telling me what he was about to do to me.  It was wonderful how Travis always knew what Roe needed, even when Roe didn't, and he always gave it to him, whether he was being rough or gentle, paddling him or yes, fisting him (gasp!).  It was all so hardcore, so raunchy and so gripping that I purposefully read the scenes to my boyfriend just to see his reactions.

Haley's determination for Roe to have happiness, the way she fought for him, fought for his well-being, fought for his acceptance, fought for his right to love who he wanted, to have the family and the life he wanted, made me smile and root for her, making her one of the FIRST female friends in a M/M romance book that I actually WANTED to read about.  At one point, I even clapped for her after she gave a long speech.

The best thing about this book was the ending.  It was the greatest, sweetest ending ever.  I nodded, wiped away the tears that had escaped from my eyes pages before and felt "The Epilogue Whore" within me give a great big sigh of relief that Heidi had satisfied us both, the reader who longs for the story and the E.W. who longs for the "After" in Happily Ever After.

Rarely do I read a story that affects me so much that when it's over I've realized that I had such a visceral reaction to it, but when I read one that does, I know that it's one that I will read over and over and over again.  I would recommend this book to everyone.  To those who were able to come out with no adverse reaction from their family, so that they can appreciate that experience and express their love and gratefulness for that.  To those who came out and whose parents had a negative reaction, disowned them, kicked them out, beat them up, etc. so that they can see that our desire to love, our ability to love someone even when others say that it's wrong is not wrong, is not evil, is not a sin, that being who we are, living our own individual truths is the greatest example of purity, of righteousness, of holiness that there could ever be.  To those who have had someone that they know, someone that they love come out and they reacted positively or negatively so that they can see that love, no matter its form, its gender, its race or religion, is just love.

And to those who still dare to dream, dare to hope, dare to love, this is the perfect book for you.


View all my reviews

Why I Was in the Hospital Today

So today I had a really blonde moment.

Really, really blonde.

I took my pain meds this morning while talking to Jack, who was complaining about being at his folks's place alone when we could still be in bed together.  Without thinking about it, I took my diet pills 30 minutes later.

Why diet pills?

I did it without thinking.

Every two weeks I have this regiment of diet pills that I take, one every day because I aspire to be looking totally sexy when I get to New Orleans in October for the GayRomLit Retreat.

I usually mark it on my phone.  But last month we were dealing with that shit with my brother and I forgot to mark it and today I was so blasted tired that I didn't even remember that I'd taken my pain meds and you're really not supposed to mix those pills together.

So when my body started flushing hot, my stomach started roiling and my hands started shaking?  I knew that something bad had happened.  I just happened to still be on the phone with Jack.  He got really concerned and rushed over.  By this point my sisters were freaking out and I was a little also.

Because I used to be an addict as a teen and because of that I have to be careful when it comes to medications and pills.  I was rushed through the ER because I'm a Vet and I get "Speedy Care."  But I hate for people to know how stupid I can be sometimes.  So imagine how red my face got when the doctor asked me to tell him about what I'd been doing over the weekend and when I'd been taking.

Uh-oh.

Jack's face got really red.  I mean REALLY red.  And then the hospital psychiatrist came to ask me if I'd tried to commit suicide and I'd had to confess that no, I'd taken too many pills over the weekend because my new boyfriend and I had overdone it on the sex because it had been over a year since I'd last had sex and I just may have been too eager and not stopped even when my legs had swollen up.  Then as the doctor had to ask, with the stupid hospital psychiatrist in the room, about why the strap-on that I was wearing and if I'd had sex today.  So I was honest (it's a nasty little habit of mine), and told them that yes, I'd fucked my boyfriend this morning and he'd fucked me, and they'd looked at Jack with raised eyebrows and I told them that Jack was gay and then they looked at me.

And I cried.  I fucking cried.

With these stupid tears streaming down my face I explained to the doctors about me being bigender and about my family's reaction and how great Jack was and about the friends that had walked away and the horrible, horrible emails I'd been getting from friends and family members since I'd come out and the wonderful online family I had and how I wasn't trying to kill myself, I loved the life that I had now, but I am a wuss when it comes to pain and I really did want to look sexy when I went to New Orleans and that was the only reason I was taking the diet pills.

Then I stopped crying and just kept sniffling.  The doctors looked shock, Jack was holding my hand (I have no idea when he grabbed it) and I felt really embarrassed.  So the psychiatrist told me that my emotions were normal, I was pretty much experiencing what others experience when they come out and don't have positive reactions.  She cleared me, and the medical doctor flushed out my system.  It was horrible.

Then they pumped me with fluids to re-hydrate me and sent me home.  Jack brought me to his place, gave me a pair of his sweats, set me up on his couch and has sat on the other end watching me ever since.

I couldn't eat the pizza he ordered because it turned my stomach, so I had fruit and water.  My face is still flushing hot, but I had a fun few hours laughing with other M/M authors on Twitter because our accounts got hacked (stupid Conservative Republicans-LOL), and I'm actually feeling better.  Thankfully Jack is off of work tomorrow, although he has to take his brother to school, so I guess I'll sit around all day and let you all go off on me for mixing my meds and putting myself into the hospital.  *Sigh*

But man am I glad I'm out of there.

Too Tired

I had planned on putting up Part Three of "D & R" or Part One of "Love's Enslavement" or to tell you all about the wonderful, orgasmic morning I had....but I'm too tired.

Too tired to do anything but sleep or lay around reading.  All of my creative juices have been drained from my body.  Jack took them with him.  So hopefully I'll be more awake tomorrow.  BTW, for those of you having trouble buying the books on Lulu, they are available for purchase through www.goodreads.com (GR) as well.

Okay, so *yawn* g'night!

{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

V

My Guilty Pleasure: Justin Bieber

So since Jack's asleep (*snicker* He was TIRED *wink*) I thought I'd share with you all this video.  Justin Bieber is my dirty little secret.  I secretly buy him music, upload his cds to my laptop and name them all "JB Jazz" and then hide the cd covers.  LOL.  Yes, I'm "in the closet" about Justin Bieber.  But since I'm all about "Living Your Truth" I figured I'd confess it:

My name is Vic or Vee and I love Justin Bieber.  *sob*

Anyway, this video is one of my faves as is this song.  I like the original but I LOVE the duet w/Rascal Flatts, I'm a Southerner, OF COURSE I love country!  But I currently have this song "That Should Be Me" on repeat.  Just  because as I was making cherry pie for Jack and I today it came to my mind.  Jack doesn't like the Biebs though, so I waited until he'd gone to bed before playing it.  Okay, enough talking.  Here's the video:












P.S. I'm seriously considering the merchandise thing (t-shirts, mugs, hoodies, sweatshirts, bags, hats, etc) but I haven't made up my mind yet.
P.P.S. Kat, your story idea is sweet.  And thank you for wanting to honor me in such a way.  I appreciate it.  Jack was a little stunned by it, but I think he'll be okay with it in time.

Would you Be Interested?

If I were making these shirts available to buy, would you be interested in buying them?

Post Date Satisfaction (From Vic/Vee and Jack)-NSFW

*Sigh* (This is a SUPER long post, but it's the whole date and I even let Jack say hi!)

I am writing this post from Jack's bed...in Jack's house...with Jack in the kitchen making breakfast....okay, putting breakfast on a plate (he went to McDonald's) so that we can have breakfast in bed.

Yes, *shiver* breakfast in bed.  *Squeal*

Where shall I begin?

Let's see, our date was supposed to start at 8.  Jack called me and told me that he was coming at 7.

He showed up at 6:45.

Impatient little thing isn't he?  *Big grin*

So he had a reason for wanting to get me at 7.  He wanted to go to dinner out at Bahama Breeze in Tampa.  So we drove all the way out there.

Now, about what I wore:  I was in full-on Vic mode, so I had on a pair of black dress pants, a button down red shirt, black tie, black jacket, my hair was pulled back in a ponytail.  I had on my earrings and I had put on lip moisturizer.  I'd put on my pair of black boots and I was using my cane, which is black as well.  My favorite colors and I must admit...I looked good.

So anyway, Jack picks up my overnight bag, looks at me, raises his eyebrows and grins and says: "I hope you packed for the whole weekend."

*Silent scream of happiness*

So you know, I'm all smooth and confident and shit when I'm Vic and I sort of tilt my head to the side and say: "You're that confident that you're that good and I'm going to want more?"

Jack just grins and says: "You might even want to pack for the week.  I may never be able to get rid of you."

As my friend Kate would say: Cheeky little bugger.

So I just open the bag and toss in another shirt and a pair of shorts.  He sort of looks at me and raises his eyebrows.  I laughed, I knew what he wanted to ask, everyone does.  "I don't wear underwear."

His mouth sort of drops open and he nods.  I just laugh and turn him towards the door so we can go.  Now in the bag I had packed a pair of flip-flops, a pair of jeans, there were now two t-shirts instead of one, condoms (flavored and ribbed), lube (flavored and unflavored), massage oils, my laptop (because I knew I was going to want to blog this AND because I wanted to read to Jack-the man doesn't read....at all.  Nothing except the newspaper.  We must change that), my binder with the books that I'm writing inside, my cellphone, my wallet, my pain meds (I go NOWHERE without them), my sketchpad (I've been designing this new line inspired by Luci and Katharina), colored pencils, toothbrush, hairbrush, contact solution, contact carrying case, and deodorant.  Yeah, overnight for me is like...packing.


So we get in the car and guess what's playing?  YES!  LADY FREAKING GAGA!!  I like bounced in the seat, which made me think of my conversation with Thorny that I'd had earlier that day and I burst out laughing.  Jack closed the back door and climbs in and just sort of looks at me sitting in his front seat giggling my head off.  I mean I was bent forward, hands on the dash, tears streaming down my face, laughing and gasping for breath.  So Jack pulls off down the road and Lady Gaga's like playing loudly and I'm struggling to stop laughing and I do that "Wooo!!!" that you do at the end of a hard laugh and looked at him, still sort of snickering and he's like: "Wanna let me in on the joke?"

Me: You'll blush.
Jack: Why?  All you did was get in the car.
Me: It's something that happened earlier.
Jack: Okay.....
Me: So...I was a little nervous about tonight.
Jack: Yeah, me too
Me: Really?
Jack: Yeah.  I mean...you're a...I mean, technically.....
Me: (nods) Yeah, that's a bit of it.
Jack: Huh?
Me: So I sent my little brother Thorny, I told you about him, so I sent him an email, I was a little worried and concerned about tonight and he gave me some advice and at the beginning of his email he said he was "bouncing" so when I bounced it made me think of him and that's why I was laughing.
Jack: And the part about you being....
Me: You can say it you know.
Jack: Say what?
Me: Whatever you're trying to say.  That I'm "technically" a woman, that the dick in between my legs is actually a strap on and not something I was born with, that I have breasts, beautiful breasts, but still breasts and you're a gay man and it's weird, very, very weird that we're trying to date when physically we shouldn't really be compatible.
Jack: Yeah but there's something about you.  Like when I look at you, I don't see a woman.  I don't see Veronica.  I see Vic.  I hear Vic.  But every so often...
Me: You think about the boobs or the dick that's not really attached?
Jack: Yeah
Me: Yeah, I was going to pack a blindfold and Thorny told me not to.
Jack: Why not?
Me: (I turn to look at him-by this point, I'll be honest I'm trying to figure out if the date is over already-before it has even begun) Because he said that I didn't want to allow you to imagine I was another man.  That you should be aware of who it was that was fucking you to the best orgasm of your life.
Jack: He said that?
Me: (laughs) Well that "best orgasm" thing was all me, but it's still the truth.

The car got really quiet then, I was ready to call for a taxi or whatever but then I hear Jack saying my name.

Jack: Hey Vic?
Me: Yeah?
Jack: Let's give it a shot.
Me:  Yeah?
Jack: Yeah.  I can do it.

So, with that out of the way, something that I am pretty sure is going to repeatedly come up as long as we're "dating", we change the subject.  I bring up the fact that he doesn't read.

Me: How the hell do you not read?
Jack: (laughs) I just don't.
Me: But you bought both of my books!  You're really not going to read them?
Jack: (shrugs) Probably not.
Me: Ass.  You HAVE to read them!  How about this?  I'll read them to you.
Jack: Well.....
Me: It will be like an audiobook.
Jack: We can try that out, but no promises.  And you're reading your books?
Me: Not at first.  I want to ease you into the world of m/m romance.  So my friends Katharina and Luci told me about this book and I bought it today, so we can read it together.
Jack: What is it called?
Me: On Fire by Drew Zachary
Jack: On Fire?
Me: Yeah.  They said that you'll love it.

So we keep talking and talking.  We get to Bahama Breeze and we're eating and drinking margaritas (Bahama Breeze makes like THE BEST margaritas EVER and I've lived in San Diego, New York City, Chicago.  BB has THE BEST) and just getting to know each other.  So after dessert we get up to leave and I have to "adjust" myself and I tried to do it discreetly, I really did, and Jack's adjusting also, but for a TOTALLY different reason, let's just say that when I get tipsy I get EXTREMELY horny and I was already turned on because Jack was wearing this black shirt that was tight over his chest, this sort of silky material (what's it called-Not silk but like satin or something) and a pair of gray pants with a gray jacket, so I was very handsy during dinner.  So anyway, I'm trying to adjust myself discreetly and there's this table of...sorority girls is the only thing I can term them, because that's how they looked, and they look at me and then at Jack and then back at me and when we go to walk past them one of them says: "Oh my gosh!  He did a GREAT job, I wouldn't have even known he was a man if he hadn't grabbed his crotch like that!"

Jack and I waited until we got outside to start laughing.  Then he puts his arm around me and he's like "You do make a pretty drag queen."  So I got this idea and I'm like "Why don't you just think of me like that?"

Jack: Like what?
Me: That I'm just a man in drag.
Jack: What?
Me: You know, like if you're still feeling unsure or whatever....
Jack: (stops in front of the car turns to me and kisses me) Babe, it's okay.  You're Vic.  You're you.  (shrugs) I don't have to label it anymore.
Me: (sigh-yeah, girly moment) So we going back to your place or what?
Jack: Thought you wanted to go see a movie.
Me: I'd rather see you naked and make a movie instead.

You know how in books they say "he gulped audibly"?  Yeah, I had never actually heard someone swallow before.  I heard Jack swallow.  It made me smile. It gave me a HUGE mental erection and it just made want to get to his house so much more.

We got to his house and dropped my bad and then just started pulling clothes off.  And we took off all our clothes *shiver*  The man is even more gorgeous naked.......*happy sigh*.  So we're standing there looking at each other and he says "You know, I see your face and your tits and your dick...but it's not like you're a girl or whatever.  You're like a guy with tits rather than a girl with a dick."

I must admit that made me smile.  It also made me throw myself at him.  This did not need to be one of those whole "talk-through-sex" type things.

Now, I'm about to get graphic so.....

This is the type of strap-on that I wear when I'm just walking around:

It can quickly (and I'm talking like unclip and clip on) be switched out for this one:




So anyway, we're standing there naked and I have on the second one, not the first and it's easy to sort of pull it forward and then tuck it back (like I'm a drag queen) and that's what I'd done, but when I pulled of my clothes and stepped out, Lil' Big Vic (10") comes swinging forward.  Before I know it Jack's pulled me into his arms and we're making out hardcore.  Hands are everywhere and he just sort of sinks almost to his knees and takes LBV into his mouth.  Now LBV is silicone so no, it doesn't taste like a real cock, but Jack's down there moaning and humming like it is.  And I'm a "very toppy moho" to use Thorny's description.  So I'm like thrusting into his mouth and to me it feels AMAZING like it's really mine.  So he stands up and I'm trying to like climb up his body.  My legs are around his waist, he's holding me in his arms, his hands under my ass, I can feel his hard cock poking my ass and OH MY GOSH I forgot how good it felt to feel one of those!!  (Kate, I did the growly man thing.  LOL.) So neither of us wants to wait to walk to the bedroom so, he sits me down on the couch and I can't even talk I just kind flap my hand and point my finger at my bag.  He goes and grabs it and brings it to me, I'm jerking clothes and all types of shit out of the bag (I know I should have put everything on top).  I grab the condoms and the lube and I point at him and this is where Jack met Vic the Dom.

My voice always sort of deepens even more when I get in my Dom headspace and I'm like "Lay over the arm of the couch."  I think Jack must have a little bit of sub in him because he did it quickly and I'm looking at his ass and all I can think is, I want to taste that.  LOL.  So I did. (MMMmmmmm)  I had told Jack in a previous conversation about how I'm very oral.  Cock, ass, fingers, nipples, neck, back....hell, it doesn't matter to me so he cleaned himself VERY well.  Trust me I know.  Anyway, I'm going to town and I'm pouring the flavored lube on my fingers and in between his cheeks and I'm stretching him out and at the WORST possible time I start thinking about my freaking books!  (I have to remember if I do something wrong or something he doesn't like so I can change it if I have to in the book)  Then I hear: "What the hell Vic?!"  And I remember where the hell I am and what the hell I'm supposed to be doing!

Well if his moans, cries and grunts are anything to go by I did a VERY good job.  We both came (yeah I can come from fucking someone.  I dare someone to tell me that I'm not really a man inside-asses) and I'm laying all over his back and he's draped all over the arm of the couch and I burst out laughing (I'm a dork people) because I realize that I have the best of both worlds because I can fuck a man AND never go soft!  Jack opens one eye and looks at me over his shoulder and growls out "You better NOT be thinking about that Thorny guy with your cock still up my ass!"  Which of course made me laugh harder, but I'm shaking my head no and thinking "Man Thorny's going to freak if he knew we were talking about him so much."

So we "unlock" and I'm looking at his brown couch that now has these stains on it and I look at Jack.  I mean, I'm a little nervous now.  What's the next step?  So he asks if I want to shower and I'm thinking okay this is it, the novelty has worn off he's done so I just sort of nod.  He walks over, picks me up (because all of that fucking had my hip aching bad) and he's walking all funny (and I SWEAR I laughed in my head) and takes me to the bathroom.

We showered together.  Then he put me in his bed and kisses my forehead, "I'll be right back baby, I'm going to grab your stuff and clean off the couch.  You can watch tv if you want."  He walks out and I sort of lay back with this sigh.  I am content...somewhat.  So I turn on the tv and wait for him.  I don't know what I watched to tell you the truth, but he brings my stuff in and I ask for my laptop.  He gives it to me and I plug it in and he goes to the kitchen and brings back two bottles of water, a bottle of red wine (I don't remember what kind), two glasses, and he's holding a bag of pretzels in his mouth.  I just sort of stared at him.

Me: "Is that some sort of weird gay post-sex snack or something?"

He blinks at me and grins after shaking his head.  He climbs in bed with me and pulls me to him.

Jack: "Nah, just a grab whatever looks interesting post-sex snack."

I nod and then open On Fire.  "Ready?" I ask and he looks down.  He sees that it's a book and he bursts out laughing.

Jack: You're not going to give this up are you?
Me: If you want some more of this (I grab my strap-on: Yeah the shower was interesting, Jack washed LBV while it was still attacked and I pulled it away to wash the rest of me while he rinsed off the front of him.  He did wash the girls though.  He kept bouncing them for some reason.  *shakes head* Weirdo), you're going to have to read some naughty gay romance books.
Jack: (sighs) Fine
Me: Or I can read them to you
Jack: That sounds better.

So I started reading to him.  I don't know what it is about that book but for some reason the first time that Sam and Rob are getting it on (around page 13 or so) Jack's all over me, he's pushing the laptop away and he's kissing me and got his hands all on my tits then around to my ass.  He's squeezing them and spanking them a little and then he grabs the lube and looks down at me.  I just smiled and said "HELL YEAH!!"  Then I got to suck his cock (Again MMMmmmmmm) and then he fucked me (yes, my ass people, DUH!  LOL).

Anyway, I remember having to walk to the bathroom to do some "clean-up" thinking about how our earlier shower was a waste, thinking about how funny I had to look walking, and I'm laughing again and I hear Jack behind me: "What?"

Me: I don't think I write about this in my books
Jack: About what?
Me: The sort of full, pressure feeling afterwards
Jack: Who wants to read about that?
Me: But it's real life.
Jack: Yeah......

That was the end of the conversation.  We went back to bed and I did just like I do at home, slept in the nude with my strap on still on.  Jack slept spooned up behind me.  It was SO nice.

So when we got up this morning before he went out for breakfast I was already up and reading the responses that some of you left on my post yesterday and he's reading over my shoulder like: Wow, these people are like fierce over you.

Which made me smile because you guys are.  Then I let him read the messages between me and the friend in question and he nodded and said "Good.  I'm glad he apologized and appreciates you and offered an explanation."  So I sort of look at him, "You're kind of fierce over me too huh?"

"Well, I'm a possessive boyfriend and I'm not going to let anyone take my baby for granted.  You're my man and I'm gonna look out for you."

I'm sort of looking at him in shock.  Say what now?  I'm still thinking about that statement.

Anyway, that brings us to where we are now, Jack's in bed next to me eating pancakes, eggs and sausage from McDonald's.  I have pancakes sausage and hashbrowns on the nightstand next to me, we both have coffee and we're watching LOGO TV(I told him my secret dream to work there in some capacity or to write a movie or something for them).  He wants to say hi so I'm going to let him say hi to you all (we're not there for him to be a part of my blog permanently but he can say hi.  So here he is):



Hey everyone.  My name is Jackson.  Everyone calls me Jack, but Vic says you guys know that.  I just want to say hi and sorta introduce myself.  Thank you to those who told him to give me another chance and to those of you who gave him advice about our date or supported him.  He's really amazing and I've heard about a lot of you all (although there are a few names that come up a lot-Vic's little brothers? Thorny and Matt) and you all seem really nice.  So, nice to meet all of you.                 Jackson



LOL.  His hands were shaking!!  He's so cute!!  He was asking me "Is that okay?  What do I say?"  Then he's like: It is Thorny and Matt that are your little brothers right?  They're not your crush?  Hahaha!!  Anyway, we're going to get back to watching whatever this is and read some more of On Fire and then go out to the beach out in St. Pete and have lunch.  He asked me to stay the weekend so I am.  I'm so extremely satisfied.  So much in fact that I really want to just go back to sleep.  LOL.

Talk to you folks later!

{HUGZ AND SQUEEZES AND FIST BUMPS}

Vic/Vee